Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Boston Park Plaza Hotel

Photo: Secret Shitter

                The great thing about this blog is that it rewards one of my great loves of meandering around the city of Boston. Since I was younger one of my favorite things to do has been to just walk around and soak up the sights and the sounds of the city. There are very few places I don’t walk around. When I used to drink one of my favorite recreational activities used to be getting off at random train stops and finding local bars. Since that ended a little over six months ago (the not drinking thing) this blog has become a better than adequate substitute for that. I get the same thrill I used to get except none of the asshole side effects. Plus I would never even think to go drinking in our next spot, The Boston Park Plaza Hotel.

                That high class hotel located right outside of Arlington MBTA station is our next destination in the lifestyles of the shit and famous. I was walking by the hotel debating with my inner self whether we could muster up another shit or not. Well after a few minutes of bickering we decided that maybe we could eek out another poo. So with that I headed in through the automatic revolving doors, and I was on my way.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                Now when you first enter the hotel the lobby is as grand as is it old. I was kind of lost with all of the sights that surrounded me. My poo-senses were tingling though, and I knew the poo-storm was about to come roaring on down. I looked around, and I didn’t find any obvious signs to where the bathroom is. There was a bar directly ahead to the far end of the wall, and the front desk was along the right side wall. There seemed to be some business centers to the left, and a set of stairs that led you to a conference which was going on. As much as I wanted to just go and crash the conference, I knew that my poo-cover would be exposed. However walking towards the left side stairs, I noticed a sign that pointed the way to the restroom, right down the little hall to the left just past the concierge station.

                I walked into the grand poo-palace and was completely taken aback by the décor of the establishment. Marble floors, and a grey and white tiled pattern adorned this bathroom. At first I was looking around and only saw three urinals, and thought something was amiss. I couldn’t find the shitters! I peeked around to what I thought was a closet, and the only reason I did so was because it had a shutter style top portion of a door, only to realize that is the shitter! And I didn’t even see the other one on the opposite side until I was ready to exit the bathroom.

                Well now that is a secret shit spot, when you can’t even find the bathroom IN the bathroom. Bravo good sir or ma’am, bravo. Now the shitter I took was a weird shape, it was a corner lot, kind of in the shape of a rounded triangle, which doesn’t sound all that spacious, but let me tell you, it totally was! I shut the door behind me and what did I see, not one, but TWO coat hangers affixed to the wall and door respectively. I actually had a choice where to hang my bag, man this is living.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                As I said this was a spacious stall. There were tiled baseboards, and marble floors, along with a marble tiled back wall which the shitter rests against. Everything was in a grey, off-white, color scheme. It made the walls and bathroom feel a tad smaller than it actually might have been, but gave off the allure of being someplace with sophistication and elegance. As I sat down on the shitter trying to eke out a little poo for you guys, I could not stop hearing the weird techno music that was playing in the bathroom speakers. I personally am not a fan of the genera, but it definitely lent itself to the overall atmosphere of the bathroom.

                Now as I sat there trying to shit I was now in full absorption mode. I couldn’t help but notice how fucking busy the bathroom was. The door to the main bathroom entrance opened and closed at least six times while I was taking a shit. Thankfully nobody knocked on the stall door which I was occupying. I don’t know if they were just going in there to freshen up, or just take a quick leak, but either way the place was busy as hell.

                Now what would you expect from the toilet paper quality of a place this swanky? You would probably think it had the highest of the high. However you would be wrong. Actually the toilet paper was an average un-padded two ply. Not only that but one of the rolls were completely empty leaving only one roll full out of two. Needless to say I was disappointed, even though the bathroom appeared to be so clean you could eat in there, this left me with a little sour of a taste in my mouth.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                As you can imagine a joint like this has all automatic everything. From flusher to sink, to soap and paper towel dispenser. But the weird thing was the way which you got the soap. It actually kind of confused me to be honest. You had to hold one hand under the nozzle and mimic the motion like it was a manual dispenser, only you don’t touch it at all. It felt really foreign and alien to me. To top off the experience they had those very plush paper towels on the right side of each sink allowing you to dry your hands with just one towel.

                Even though I didn’t want my experience to end, unfortunately everything we do in life will come to an end one way or another. So now it is time again for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember that some categories you want low, like busyness, while others you want high, like cleanliness. Now that you sort of know the deal let’s dive right in.

Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Stall Comfort: 4
Busyness: 4
Décor: 5
Cleanliness: 4.5
Accessibility: 2

Overall Rating: 4.5
Photo: Secret Shitter
                The Boston Park Plaza Hotel earns itself a 4.5 rating out of 5 on our scale. I mean it has all of the makings of a really awesome high-class shit spot, but it just failed to reach that next level. You have to know that I judge the hotel shitters a tad differently than I do others. They should be held to a higher standard in my opinion. They have all of the makeup of five star shitters, so they should be held to that standard. The toilet paper here was atrocious, it made my butthole shutter with its averageness. I mean it was well hidden, and the shitters themselves looked like closets, which was pretty cool. But the reason why this place scored a .5 below the perfect mark was because the toilet paper wasn’t fully stocked, and the one that was felt terrible on the behind. Not only that but this place was busy as fuck. Six different people entered and exited the bathroom, this is something more akin to a mall bathroom than a hotel lobby bathroom. Now there was a conference going on there, and maybe that had something to do with the spike in usage. However I am rarely in the Arlington Street area, and will most likely not reschedule a follow up visit for quite some time. Now let’s not kid ourselves, a 4.5 out of 5 isn’t anything to feel bad about. I mean it isn’t like this is the Walgreen’s on School Street. If you are out and about hoping around the bars and restaurants in this area than this is a perfectly acceptable place to go poop. Hell while you are at it go and have a drink over at that cool looking bar too. There was a waterfall and some comfy couches and chairs for you to lounge around on. Yeah if I were you that’s what I would do, go hang out in the lobby, than when the urge strikes, go and take a shit and experience it for yourself. And while you are there just do me a favor and have a drink or three for me. Until next time folks, happy shitting.

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