Monday, September 14, 2015

Courtyard Marriott on Memorial Drive

Photo: Secret Shitter
               So I recently bought anAsus Transformer tablet, which is pretty nice by the way, and I needed some accessories for it. Now when I bought the tablet, it came with a clip on keyboard thing which was pretty fucking cool. It has a USB slot so I can plug in external disk drives, and printers and all sorts of other shit. It is a window’s based tablet, which is exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want an oversized Android or IPhone. So why in the blue blazes am I telling you about this? Well because I needed to go down to Microcenter and get some stuff, I was around the area I needed to be for our next location, The Courtyard Marriott at Memorial Drive.

                    Yup this bathroom has been on my radar ever since I started this blog. I knew on my last trip that the bathrooms on the first floor were closed while they were doing construction. Now fast forward at least ten months, and I am fairly certain that the construction would be complete. It seems as of late I have a knack for figuring out these things, and getting an inkling for stuff like this. I call it my “poopy Sense”. Much like Spiderman’s Spidey Sense, except mine is about bathrooms and taking dumps in them.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                Ok so there is a big square in the center of the lobby with the front desk to your right. Pay no attention to that. The key to shitting in hotel lobby bathrooms is; not looking like a vagrant, and being confident. You heard me correct, you need to be confident. See if you go in all timid, the staff is going to smell that a mile away. Even if you are playing off like you don’t know where you’re going, you still need to FEEL like you are staying in the hotel. Usually they don’t give a rat’s ass if you use their toilet or not, just so long as you don’t present yourself as a junkie or anything.

                Ok so I got a little off track there, but lets’ focus here. You have to shit, and you need to find the bathroom. So when you go through the automatic doors keep heading straight along the right side of the middle square. Turn to your left and directly in front of you should be the bathrooms. Don’t do what I did which was walk around the square a few times, passing by the front desk, this almost blew my cover.

                So now that you got in you are probably wondering how many stalls there are? Well there is exactly one truth be told. It is of the handicap variety too. I am totally loving this. There was a coat hanger on the door as well for me to hang up my things. Now that I was all situated it was time for me to hot the countdown timer and start our little evaluation.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                Now the toilet seat was kind of too high for me to be honest. I really do not like the feeling of my legs dangling as I heave a grumpy. I feel too much like a little kid pooping on the big boy’s toilet. However from my high vantage point I was able to soak in all of the comforts of this rest room. There was soft rock playing in the bathroom which masked the sounds of my farts, I thought that this was a very nice touch. Even though not too many people ending up coming through the bathroom while I was creating some sweet music of my own. I think I recall a total number of two people passing through the commode while I shat.

                Now the stall was spacious and roomy. Like I said earlier, it had a high seat. But I was able to sit down and soak in the sights and colors of the world around me. The floors were like a white-ish marble. The walls were predominantly peach, but they had a very cool design on them in deep gold. It kind of looked like small rectangles connected by a vertical line. I thought that this added to the allure of the stall. I thought that whomever did the redesign, did a thorough job as well. He or she totally thought this one through and it shows.

                With that said, do not be deceived by the fancy look of the bathroom alone. Because the toilet paper situation just made me want to hang my head in shame. So far this bathroom had everything going for it. But just and I went to rip my first round off of the roll, I noticed how cheap this two ply felt between my fingers. My asshole confirmed my suspicions when I went to wipe the poo goo from it. Man that toilet paper actually tore my asshole up!
Photo: Secret Shitter

                The disappointed wiping experience led me to see if the toilet would take down my turd burger in one gulp. I figured that maybe they were cutting corners in other hidden areas of the bathroom. Thankfully the water washed away all of the brown nuggets I left as presents for the sewer people below.

                Next I began my hand washing ritual. I used the manual sink and soap to wash my hands thoroughly. The only option here for drying was paper towels. The paper towels were a little better than average, which I thought was nice. But this is usually the second time, with acclimated eyes, I get to gander around the rest room and inspect the cleanliness. I am happy to report to you guys that nothing seemed out of place here in this rest room. Everything was very neat, clean, and lead to an overall pleasant atmosphere.

                With poo-poo time all said and done with, it is not time again for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. This is where I put the screws on each bathroom with a critic’s eye, now remember all of these ratings are out of a possible five (5). Some of the numbers you want high, like Cleanliness, while others you want low, like Busyness. Now that you sort of know what is going on, let us begin our review.

Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Stall Comfort: 3.5
Busyness: 2
Décor: 4.5
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 3

Overall Rating: 4.5

                Even though this bathroom has terrible toilet paper I still gave it an almost perfect score. It is hidden and out of the way, making this a perfect poop spot for anyone to enjoy. The one stall really wasn’t a factor in the least bit because of how few people used the restroom while I was there. The stall itself was spacious and comfortable, so that was pretty awesome. The décor of the place was very nice compared to what it used to be. If I remember correctly it was more like wooden-business like, than anything. This is a very welcome design change. I love the peach and the white. I think those colors go fantastic together, and it made for a very mellow experience. I also thoroughly enjoyed the soft rock playing overhead. If anyone is timid of public pooping, than rest assured because this bathroom will mask your terrible fart sounds. I would like to also point out how clean the facility was too. It isn’t every bathroom lives up to those kinds of standards. Now I would like to say that if you are ever at Microcenter getting some computer stuff, take a short walk over to the Courtyard Marriott Hotel on Memorial Drive and take a beefy dump, you will thank me later.

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