Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Staples at Landmark Center

Photo: Secret Shitter
is your go-to store for office supplies and knick-knacks of the professional sort. It is a large retail chain in the United States, and I am sure I do not need to really explain any back story of the company to you guys. After all you have to be pretty smart, and savvy to read The Secret Shitter. The location of this Staples is in the Landmark Center. I believe that the actual name of the street is Park Drive, but I could be wrong. Either way, I will figure it out by the end of this post.

                OK so enough of the jibber jabber. I was walking around the Staples by my work, looking for what I don’t know. When I was in the back right corner of the store by the office desks, I saw a sign that sent shockwaves right to my bowels. The sign said, “Public Restrooms”. Oh my lord, I didn’t even know this place had a bathroom for the general public, I thought that the only bathroom on premise was the one in the upper level of the Landmark Center (which we did a very good review on if I do say so myself). So like a voodoo priest, I squeezed my voodoo dolls’ lower abdomen, and away I went…

                Now this bathroom was really well hidden. That is just what the doctor ordered. I always love discovering Secret Shitters around the city. Even though I am not the first to poop in them, I get great pleasure when someone tells me, “I didn’t know there was a bathroom in there”. Now this meets The Secret Shitter’s secret criteria.

                The bathroom itself was small. It boasted only one handicap stall and a urinal. It seemed more like something that employees use rather than the public. I am not quite sure how many people outside of me go out of their way to explore new places to poo.

                Now when I entered the stall I went to look for a coat hanger, only to realize that there wasn’t any to be found. This is probably due to the bathroom mostly being an employee one. The walls were bright white. The floor was a generic grey tile. And the stall divider was white as well. There really wasn’t anything to write about décor wise. It was actually a little bland and boring. However what it lacked in looks it totally made up for by the fact that I was left entirely alone for about fifteen minutes while I pooped. Sometimes piece of mind is the best thing. I was able to inspect this bathroom fully and thoroughly.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                Now that I was pretty much done soaking up everything around me I guess it was time for the dreaded toilet paper test. I looked down to my right and discovered that the dispenser was completely empty. But fear not readers, sitting on top of the dispenser like a gift from God himself, was a roll of Charmin Brand two ply cushioned toilet paper! Maybe someone in the Staples on Park Drive was reading this blog. Maybe they knew I already struck once at the Landmark Center, and I would strike again. Or maybe they were just too damn lazy to change out the toilet paper in the dispenser and just grabbed a roll off of the shelf. Either way that is a win in my book.

                After my delightful romp, I noticed that there was a manual flusher. Along side of the toilet were a plunger, and a brush. Maybe this was some kind of omen? I went to flush the toilet once, only to find a little bit of paper was taken down the drain. I thought to myself, “This is where we get discovered”. I flushed for a second time, this time I was holding down the lever for a while in hopes that is what I needed to do to get rid of the brown snake lurking in the lake. Again, nothing happened but a little bit of toilet paper went down. Now I just want to tell the readers that this was no monster dump. It wasn’t like it was peaking out of the water or anything. This was just your standard poop. I tried for a third time, which was the charm in this case because that is when the might brown finally went down the tubes.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                Now there was a manual sink, and a manual soap dispenser. There was also an option for towels to dry your hands. However, just like the toilet paper, it seems whomever is in charge of filling these up just didn’t feel like doing that and in its’ place was a roll of paper towels. I believe I remember seeing a Bounty wrapper sitting in the trash receptacle. So again, their laziness is your gain!

                Well folks there you have it. Now that you have heard the tale of my poop, it is time to see how The Staples on Park Drive competes in The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember ladies and gentlemen that this is out of a possible five (5) stars. Some of the items you want high, such as TP quality, while in other categories you want low like busyness. The number of stalls is solely made up of how many stalls there are present in the bathroom. I believe that the less stalls the better, but that is entirely up to interpretation. Like if the area is a high traffic area, having a low number of stalls is a bad thing, but in a case like we have seen with The Custom House Marriott Hotel, it can be a good thing too. I was wondering when people would start asking me questions about the review. Thankfully no one has and you guys just take my word for it, but I figured after all these posts I should give you a little bit of insight into my thought process. Now that I am done blabbing about my crazy methods let us begin shall we?
Photo: Secret Shitter

Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 5
Stall Comfort: 4
Busyness: 1
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 1

Overall Rating: 5

                But-but Secret Shitter, how did the Staples on Park Drive score into the highest category? Well readers sit around and I will tell you a tale about a hidden bathroom oasis far away from people. Actually the biggest factor in my decision is how exclusive this bathroom is. I don’t believe anyone is actually walking around in that part of the store except employees. And the few people, who do pass by there and notice it, probably do not use it. After all it is a Staples, but how wrong you are. Now the décor actually scores very low on my list, but I am willing to overlook that in this case. Mainly because I feel like I am a part of some exclusive club who poops in that bathroom. I mean why else would there be Charmin or Bounty just readily available for the public to use? There wouldn’t be. No walls in the bathroom were tagged with anything stupid either (which sank the Big Lots in Revere, if you remember). This is just a spot for the male employees to use whenever they feel the need to poo. However my knowledge is totally your gain. That is what this blog is about after all. So now that you know the secret don’t go and start tagging the place up. When you do slip in, just walk with an air of cockiness that you know the secret poo spot. Now imagine the kind of power you hold knowing this information when you go to the Red Sox Games? The Landmark Center is just up the street on Brookline Ave. It also shares the property with the Fenway MBTA stop. If you use the Kenmore MBTA stop when you go to Sox games you are in for a sweaty ride from hell. I would much rather walk the extra five minutes and take a dump in this haven of a bathroom, than use any stall located anywhere within the vicinity of Fenway Park during game days. Well there you have it folks, you just found yourself a very secret poo-stop where you can be alone, without the fear of people barging in on you. Until next time, happy shitting!

Want to know more of my mystical pooping secrets? Why not follow me on social media?

Twitter: @Secret_Shitter

As always you can email me too at:

No comments: