Monday, September 21, 2015

The Omni Parker House

Photo: Secret Shitter

                I was walking home from the Microcenter trip after spending a good portion of my day in Cambridge. I was lucky that I was able to come away with a few deals on removable media storage for my new tablet, and for my keys. I like the idea of carrying a USB stick around on my key chain. I have all my information on there like what I am allergic too and what not. I also have a few Secret Shitter posts on there as well. However this day really hasn’t been good on my stomach, and I am starting to wonder if I have something medically wrong with me that makes me shit this often? But I guess my pain is your pleasure, to a degree. However this time is completely different, because this time my pleasure is your pleasure as we enter our next location, The Omni Parker House.

                Yes readers you heard me correctly, I took a dook in one of America’s haunted hotels. While I will get to the exorcism of my own demons later on, I am going to tell you what made me stumble across this, and why I was here.

                Now back in May when I started this blog I really didn’t think it would last past like four or five posts, I figured that I would run out of places to take a shit. Contrary to what you might think, I really do not go out of my way to find places to shit at. These places I sometimes stumble upon, and most of the time they are along my commute home from work. Some of the times too I am out and about running some kind of errands, and I need to go take a shit, that is how I end up in some of these places, but the Omni Parker House is directly on my route home. Ever since the MBTA shut down the Government Center Train Station, I have to walk from Park Street to State Street to get to the Blue Line home.
Photo: Secret Shitter

Photo: Secret Shitter

                Now I always see the bellhops flagging down cabs, and helping people with their luggage. I always said, Next time I have to shit, I am going to shit in there. Today would be the day I have waited for since starting the blog. I had to shit one other time and because it was nine at night, I didn’t want to go rooting around in an upscale hotel looking to shit in their bathroom so I can write about it on my blog. At that point I opted to go to The Walgreens on School Street, which ended up being a nightmarish poop.

                So where the bell hops are on School Street in downtown, I sucked in my breath and I headed in for my covert operations. I knew that I totally looked out of place with my ripped up jeans and H & M polo shirt, but I figured why not? I am not doing anything illegal, and the picture I take I make absolutely certain that I am the only one in there at the time the pictures are taken. This way no one can call me a pervert, and I don’t have to explain to the cops about my poop blog making me sound like a raving lunatic. I know one of these days I am going to get caught doing this, but today would not be the day!
Photo: Secret Shitter

                I entered into the grand lobby and wow what a sight it was! There were chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, and very deep colored wood engulfed you as you walk in. The trim in the lobby was gold of course, whether it was real gold or plated gold is beyond my knowledge. I walked around this lobby, and I found something to be quite odd. I could not for the life of me find a bathroom anywhere. I looked where each door was, and still I was completely stumped. I had to swallow my pride and ask an attendant standing by the elevators where it was I could take a poop.

                “Here it is”, I thought to myself, my first denial. But to my shocking surprise, the lady with a very wide smile told me the directions, and I was on my way. It was up on a third floor! I felt like fucking James Bond going undercover. This is the deepest that I have ever gone in my shitting expeditions. All of my training, all of my trials and errors, lead up to this moment. I knew that this was possibly my only shot at getting in to see this shitter, and I wasn’t going to waste it.

                Now like I said this bathroom is so hard to find even I couldn’t root it out. What you have to do is enter in through the School Street entrance. There will be a staircase that you walk up which will take you to the lobby. Pay this place no attention. There is another set of stairs directly to the right, on the landing of the first level, there is Parker’s Bar. It is not located there. You need to trek higher to unknown heights up on the third floor. Then when you get up to the floor that you need, you will see a hallways with a sign with small lettering. You want to go and take a left down here and maybe after about twenty or so steps, you will find the men’s room on your right hand side.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                As I walked in I was immediately overwhelmed at my pooping choices. I have five stalls to choose from, except the handicap stall was out of order. Each stall also had a window shitter type design that you could look out from but couldn’t see into. A few places I have seen deploy these types of doors. The floor was a cream colored faux marble (or maybe it was real, it looked pretty impressive). The walls were a light yellow, almost a canary color and an extremely light colored grey. The material the walls were made from looked like a stucco of sorts. I mean it could have been for all that I know. Either way the décor looked elegant and relaxing.

                I opted for the middle-left of the stalls to start my pooping adventure. There was a very sturdy coat hanger affixed to the tops of each shutter shitter door. Although I really wish the handicap stall was not out of order. These stalls felt a little cramped to be honest. However it didn’t take away from the crapping experience in any way.

                The toilet paper was a very average two ply paper. I figured that they would stock the same toilet paper that The Custom House Marriott Hotel did, but to my chagrin, they did not. I am not saying that the toilet paper was bad in any stretch but it left a little more to be desired. I mean you had these marble floors, and faux stucco-like walls, why not stock the bathroom with the finest toilet paper? However I am not in charge of it, so I really don’t have any say. But I do have to listen every time my ass wails out in agony from cheap toilet paper. This toilet paper was very serviceable.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                The automatic flusher took my mighty load down in one fell swoop. I was able to gather my belongings, and fix myself up before leaving the stall. On that note I do want to point out how few people actually came into the bathroom while I was using it. The lone urinal was positioned right in front of my stall so I had a good vantage point to see how many people were using this bathroom. I will say during the course of my ten plus minuet poop, only one other gentleman walked in. Actually two did but the other guy came in as I was leaving. So I am really not going to count him against the busyness score when I go to review this place.

                As I gazed up from washing my hands with the manual water and soap, I was able to take a good look around the joint. I picked up a paper towel to dry my hands, the only option by the way, and my concentration was broken. This paper towel was so lush and cushiony, it was able to dry my hands with just one towel. Usually I average about three paper towels if they are individual, or about two and a half clicks on the paper towel levers.

                Anyways back to the bathroom. I was able to take a good glance around upon my exit. I will say that not a damn thing was out of place in this fines establishment. I felt as though I was a noble in the 1800’s while I was pooping here. They definitely go around every hour and clean this bathroom and it shows.

Photo: Secret Shitter
                Now that you head of my tale in The Omni Parker House it is time once again to turn our attention to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember folks these rating are out of a possible five (5). Sometimes you want the number to be high, like with cleanliness, and others low, like busyness. The décor is totally subjected to my interpretation, so you might find it more aesthetically pleasing than I did. If you do, why don’t you sound off on the comment section below? Anyways, let us get back on track and get to the review.

Number of Stalls: 5

Toilet Paper Quality: 3.5

Stall Comfort: 4.5

Busyness: 1

Cleanliness: 5

Accessibility: 1

Overall Rating: 5

                Wow only our third five in all of the Secret Shitter posts! I mean in case you couldn’t tell I was really enthralled with this bathroom. Its décor was so elegant that it made me feel like shitting in this place was so far out of my league it wasn’t funny. The stall number alone was both staggering and kind of worrisome. Usually places with a high stall count, you expect it to be busy. But I found out something interesting upon my exit from the lavatory. There was a function room directly across the hallway from the bathroom. This totally explains why there is so many stalls in this particular bathroom. I believe the function room looked like it could hold a hefty number of people so why wouldn’t the bathroom reflect that? I am just lucky that there was nothing going on at the time of my poops-capade. Now another reason why this is an almost perfect score it because of the cleanliness and accessibility of this bathroom. This truly is a Secret Shitter! I don’t know how many of you knew about this, but I would be willing to bet a gentleman’s wager you didn’t. The stall felt a tad cramped, but honestly the color scheme made it feel so much more open that it really was. It was an optical illusion. I found that pretty fucking cool. The only real room for improvement here was the toilet paper quality. I mean it was above average serviceable two ply, but it didn’t impress me to be honest. I know it was better than what we normally get on this blog, but this is a total different class of shitters. At the end of the year it isn’t fair to compare a retail store with The Omni Parker House, or another shitter like The Custom House Marriott Hotel. So you have to kind of take these with a grain of salt so-to-speak. Well these you have it folks, if you want to feel like James Bond shitting (or Jane Bond) than I would highly, let me say that again louder, HIGHLY recommend that you take your next dump in The Omni Parker House. Until next time people, keep your eyes peeled because you never know when the Secret Shitter will strike at your location.

Photo: Secret Shitter

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