Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Christmas Tree Shop - Assembly Row

                Don’t you just, love the shitter? No that wasn’t a rhetorical question, that was me
shamelessly trying to fit in my website to the jingle of our next location; The Christmas Tree Shop in Assembly Row. Now I am no stranger to the Assembly Row Marketplace, which is located in Somerville Massachusetts. I am trying to go for covering every bathroom in the entire area, and I think I am almost done. That isn’t really important right now. What is important is that we go and investigate another pooper.

                So what exactly is The Christmas Tree Shops? Well it is a subsidiary of the Bed, Bath, and Beyond chain. It is a bargains and closeout type store serving the east coast. It has eighty-three locations, and its’ headquarters are located in Yarmouth Port, Massachusetts*. At one point in my life I used to spend the summers down in Yarmouth Port with my Aunt Christine and Uncle Todd. It is your atypical Cape Cod small town. Little cottages, and surrounded by the ocean. It is a wonderful place to stay in the summer, but awful in the winter.

                Ok so I kind of got off track there. I didn’t actually go to the headquarters; I went to one of the outlets located in Somerville. The store itself is really cool. I enjoy going in there and getting rooster-themed items for my kitchen, and I really don’t have to spend a whole lot of money to do so. But this isn’t about kitchens, this is about shitters. I felt the effects of my Iced Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts percolate in my tummy while I was perusing the aisles, so I decided that I would seek out a place to lay down some of my own brown bargains.

                The bathroom here is sort of hard to find. It is in the back of the store next to the kitchen stuff. There is a large sign that says; “Bathroom” so it is perfectly a-ok to go drop a duce in here. No purchase needed to use the bathroom, you just need to find it. OK so when you find the sign, there is a small hallway, and both restrooms are located on the right hand side.

                When you walk into the restroom is rather large. It was larger than I was expecting with two stalls and two urinals located inside. One stall was normal sized, and the other was a handicap one. I shouldn’t need to say which one I used, because if you haven’t figured it out yet, I used the handicap stall.

                Now the stall itself was large. It was rectangular in shape, and was the length of the entire back wall. I enjoyed the actual size of the stall itself. However, there was no coat hook to hang up my bag and jacket. But located in the handicap stall was a baby changing station. That is kind of smart to be honest. Most baby changing stations are located outside of stalls in full public view. I don’t think I have ever encountered anyone actually using one before, but I would imagine that I would want a little privacy when it comes to that. So after inspecting the station for any poo-remnants, I laid my jacket and bag on it. Sometimes you have to improvise.

                Ok so I went and I unleashed a cascade of my aerial anal assault and I noticed how dirty the bathroom itself was. There was more than your typical amount of toilet paper scattered about the bathroom. It was like someone took a quarter of the roll and just threw it all over the place. What was even more concerning to me was it looked like someone tried to take out one of those toilet seat cover things, and try to stuff it back into the box. Not only that but there was a wet floor sign inside of the bathroom which indicated to me that an employee went in to clean it, and didn’t bother cleaning up the toilet paper scattered all over the ground. There could have just been some asshole who decided to wreck the place after the dude cleaned it too, but I guess we will never know.

                OK so as I was sitting there shitting, I will say this bathroom is busy, and loud. There were a total of four people who walked in there. One of which had a child who wouldn’t shut the fuck up. It was a little girl from what I could gather and all she was babbling about was some stupid toy she wanted. The guy literally couldn’t get a word in edge-wise, except for the “be quiet please”. However, yours truly stunted her stammering with my anal assault, then they realized that they were not alone. The girl kept saying things like “daddy that is gross” and “oh my god daddy what is that smell”. I sat there kind of giggling to myself as the little girl was saying that, and before I knew it, they were gone from the bathroom.

                Ok so the décor of the place was a little weird, and not in the good way. They had these olive colored tiled walls with white accent tiles, and they had a grey floor. To be honest the color scheme made the bathroom feel kind of dank and smaller than it actually was. The whole room itself felt like it was so claustrophobic. I really didn’t like it at all.

                After my shit was complete I had the duty to wipe my ass. Unfortunately for me, this bathroom had that really cheap two ply, sandpaper-like toilet paper. The kind that rips my asshole to shreds. I shudder when I think of such shitty toilet paper. I know it is a closeout store, but they can’t get any better toilet paper?

                Well the kind of cool thing was there were plungers in each stall. I guess when you are selling them for $2.99 you can afford to go and leave them in your bathrooms. I would do the same if I ever had a public toilet, only I would make a sign saying it was the customer’s duty to clean their duty. I should be an advertising agent or something like that.

                So after using the manual flusher, sink, and soap I went to leave the bathroom when something in the top corner caught my eye. There seemed to be two motion sensor type air freshener dispensers. Both of which were not working because even at the entrance at the other end of the bathroom I could still smell my beefy dook like it was still coming out of my asshole.

                Ok so now you know all about that bathroom, so why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now remember that all of these categories are out of a possible five. Let’s begin shall we?

Number of Stalls: 2
Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 2

Cleanliness: 2

Décor: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 4

Overall Rating: 2

                The Christmas Tree Shop scored a two out of a possible five when it came to our ratings. It wasn’t very clean. It also wasn’t very accessible, which was good. However, the bargain basement toilet paper is something that really sank this ship. Not only that but it was fucking busy in there, and that little girl wouldn’t shut the fuck up and let me (or her dad) shit in peace. I liked the idea of what they were trying to do with the décor in this bathroom, but it really wasn’t working. I give them an A+ for thinking outside of the box with their color scheme, but really it isn’t doing the bathrooms any favors. The stall was roomy, but what good is that if there is no place to hang your jacket? Had there been baby shit on that changing station I would have been shit out of luck and had to place my coat and bag on the ground, which was wet, and had fucking wads of toilet paper all over it. Also who the hell decides that they don’t want the paper toilet seat cover? And why wouldn’t you just throw the fucking thing out? Why did you have to attempt to stuff it back into the box? We all know that things don’t go back into the box like it came out, so unless you are some sort of bathroom wizard, don’t fucking do it. Just throw the god damn thing out. If you are shopping in the store and need a place to shit, this is a bathroom. I would advise you to use the one in the parking garage, but if you can’t hold it, this one will just have to do, but do not think that you are going to get any five star accommodations here. Until next time, Peace.

OK so you read the review, and bought the book, so now what? Why don’t you share the site with your friends and you guys can laugh together at my misfortune of using terrible bathrooms? You can do that by sharing each post, in face there is probably a share button below this writing. You literally just have to press the button. I don’t care if it is on Tumblr, Twitter, Grider, or Facebook, just help me spread the word. Thanks again for reading and see you next week.

*Information about Christmas Tree Shops and Corporate Headquarters came from Wikipedia:

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Walmart - Lynn

                Walmart is one of the quintessential awful places in America. It is the evil big-box retailer that put everyone out of business, offering cheap crap for cheap. Since you can barely find an associate to help you when you need it, I decided that I would make my first venture into the true North Shore of Massachusetts here at the Walmart on the Lynn-way.

                This is kind of a two-fold post, I get to review a bathroom in Lynn, and I get to review a Walmart bathroom. To be honest I really didn’t have high hopes going into it, but as you will see, it is surprisingly nice. I will say as a side note that there are no bike racks anywhere outside of this Walmart. So after struggling to find a place to secure my bike, I wandered into the retail super-store to begin my adventure.

                Upon first walking into the store you are greeted with a giant sign that says “bathrooms”. The lavatories are literally located on your left after the photo booth, down the hall from the self-service Tax machines. Why on earth do they have self-service tax machines is beyond me, but I guess that is a different post for a different blog.

                So I opened the door and actually stood there in amazement at what I saw. The bathroom was really gorgeous! There were a three bay sink that had this “S” like curve to it. Very swanky looking colors as well. It was a brown tones with kind of an upscale rustic feel to it.  There are all sorts of things in this bathroom which caught my eye, there was a baby changing station, multiple ways to dry your hands, and then a mystery box that said “$1.00” on it. We will dive deep into the contents of the mystery box later on.

                So I am impressed thus far with this shitter. There were three urinals, and two stall to use, one of which was handicapped. I made my way over into the handicap stall and I was surprised to see that there was another one of those baby car seat things in the wall. I wish I had a junior of my own to strap in a watch daddy’s anus explode in an animal-like fury onto the calm waters of this toilet, but I don’t so I will just have to sit here and think about things like that giggling to myself.

                Now let’s get down to some brown business shall we? One thing I will say about this stall is that there really are no coat hooks for me to hang my jacket and bag up on. I ended up going freestyle and opening up the toddler car seat thing and used that, but really that isn’t an excuse for not having one. So I went on to do the dirty brown jug dance, and sat there in blissful meditation. Not one single person went in there. It was around seven o’clock on a Friday night too, so I know it isn’t exactly “peak” hours, but I can imagine families and working class people getting stuff done around that time.

                The handicap stall was very spacious. I will say that there probably could have been one more shitter, but two will have to do, I reckon. So now I decided to give my full, undivided attention to the toilet paper and the qualities and properties pertaining to it. Upon first feel, it was two ply, and it was a cheaper quality. I figured as much, with this being Walmart and all, but when it kissed the beast incarnate known as my anus, it was surprisingly solid! It didn’t feel rough on the bum, it actually felt kind of soft! I don’t know what kind of bizarre world I entered, but I like it.

                OK so the toilet was of the automatic flush variety, and inside of the stall there was a plunger, and a toilet brush. In case you felt like cleaning the toilet after an awful crap. But to this date I haven’t ever used a toilet brush which wasn’t my own, and nor do I intend to. The plunger use is debatable though, if I was at a friends’ house, I wouldn’t want poo water leaking all over the place. But at a Walmart? I could give two shits less. But it was not on this day that I needed to use it, so that is a positive for the establishment.

                The S shaped sinks were automatic but the soap dispensers were manual. They offered two varieties to dry your hands, air dry, and paper towels. I would have opted for the paper towels, but there were none in stock at all. Walmart made my hand drying decision for me.

                Now onto the mystery box which said “$1.00” on it. There is a coin slot and a little circular pull tab. It kind of reminded me of the old cigarette machines, if you can picture that style of handle you know exactly what I am talking about. Now I placed four quarters inside the box, and I pulled the tab anxious to see what would drop into the slot below. Would it be a condom, pills, or body spray? My eyes glasses over as I pulled the tab, only to find that nothing dropped out of it. Why the fuck would you put something like that in there, and not stock the fucking thing? Well instead of going to find a manager and blow my cover, I thought that it was best to just let the mystery lay dormant until I got home.

                On the following Monday night, my curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to call and figure out this mystery once and for all. Not only that, but I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence to you readers if I didn’t at least attempt to follow up. Now I have never had to inquire with a business before, so I debated with myself if I should just come out right, and say I am The Secret Shitter to the manager on the phone. I already have my pictures, and I have formed my opinion about the bathroom, so there is literally nothing they can do to stop me. I decided against using my fame to my advantage, but I had to come up with an alias, so I decided on the name; Rusty Shackleford. Here is the transcript from my conversation with Walmart of the Lynn-way, keep in mind a woman answered the phone:

Walmart (WM): Thank Yous for calling your neighborhood Walmart, how can I help you?

The Secret Shitter (TSS): Hi I had a question regarding your men’s room.

WM: OK sir, what can I help you with?

TSS: Well first I have to say that the bathroom is magnificent, but I lost a dollar putting it into your 
mystery box in there.

WM: Um OK…

TSS: Well I really do not care about the dollar, but I was wondering something, because my curiosity is getting the better of me. What exactly is supposed to be in there?

WM: Well sir I really don’t know; I don’t go into the ladies’ room.

TSS: OK so is there something like that inside of the woman’s room?

WM: Yes.

TSS: What is dispensed in that contraption?

WM: Tampons sir.

TSS: I take it they are not dispensing tampons in the men’s room right? I mean it would have been fine if a tampon came out, it is my own stupid fault for putting a dollar into an unmarked thing, I guess I could have given it away to someone.

WM: (Howling Laughing) Yes sir I guess you could have. However, I don’t think that we are dispensing tampons in the men’s room.

TSS: So you have zero idea as to what could be dispensed?

WM: No sir I do not, can I place you on hold?

TSS: Yes…

After coming back from the hold.

WM: Sir I have to go; you have a great day.

TSS: You too.

                I was not satisfied with the above answer. I don’t think it would do you guys justice to if I just left it at that. I called back again the following Friday night, this time I taped the conversation. This is the conversation that I had with Gabriel, a Walmart associate:

                So there you have it. It is still a fucking mystery as to what could be dispensed in the mystery dollar box inside of Walmart’s men’s bathroom. One day we all might find out, but it is not on this day. Instead of focusing on what we don’t know, let us bring our attention to what we do know. I guess it is time for The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that each category is based on a five-star system, so let’s begin.
Number of Stalls: 2
Stall Comfort: 3
Accessibility: 4
Cleanliness: 3
Décor: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Busyness: 1

Overall Rating: 3.5

                Wow I was not expecting the Walmart in Lynn to have a 3.5-Star rating upon first deciding to go in there. I thought that it would be a dump for sure, and you guys would get a howl out of seeing me go into another awful bathroom. But that shocked even me that it was this nice! It has everything that you want. It is located right after the main entrance, so you don’t have to wade through people, and the store itself. It is shockingly clean besides the little bit of toilet paper, and paper toilets on the ground. There was an adequate amount of toilets to handle the heavy rushes, and the stalls were quite roomy. However, this bathroom would have easily been a point higher, had the paper towels been stocked. Also I can live without the advertising on the mystery dollar box, but I cannot forgive an employee not stocking that as well. I mean does Walmart not sell cheap enough condoms, or Tylenol? Why the fuck would you put something for sale in the bathroom and not stock it? Better yet, had I been broke and spent my last dollar trying to get lucky, and got clowned out of my money, I would have been fucking pissed. Not only would I not get to destroy any poo-nany-nany, but I would have been out my final dollar as well. All I have to say is FUCK YOU WALMART. Stock your fucking cheap-ass condom machine. Until then your bathroom will dwell in the average category. Even though the décor was fucking amazing, you will lie in purgatory until I find out what is in that machine.

(Editor Notes): I can deal with them not knowing what was in the fucking mystery box, but to be a blatant douche canoe, is unacceptable. I was legit trying to figure out what was in the mystery box, not trying to make your life harder asshole. You could have lied to me and said that there were condoms in there, and the conversation would have ended there. But no, you had to tell me there was a fucking Xbox in the dollar machine, or better yet, a coupon for a free Xbox. I know that “The Secret Shitter” sounds fake as fuck, but come on man, at least be a little professional. I wasn’t swearing, nor was I trying to make your life more difficult.

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