Don’t you just, love the shitter? No that wasn’t a rhetorical question, that was meshamelessly trying to fit in my website to the jingle of our next location; The Christmas Tree Shop in Assembly Row. Now I am no stranger to the Assembly Row Marketplace, which is located in Somerville Massachusetts. I am trying to go for covering every bathroom in the entire area, and I think I am almost done. That isn’t really important right now. What is important is that we go and investigate another pooper.
So what exactly is The Christmas Tree Shops? Well it is a subsidiary of the Bed, Bath, and Beyond chain. It is a bargains and closeout type store serving the east coast. It has eighty-three locations, and its’ headquarters are located in Yarmouth Port, Massachusetts*. At one point in my life I used to spend the summers down in Yarmouth Port with my Aunt Christine and Uncle Todd. It is your atypical Cape Cod small town. Little cottages, and surrounded by the ocean. It is a wonderful place to stay in the summer, but awful in the winter.
Ok so I kind of got off track there. I didn’t actually go to the headquarters; I went to one of the outlets located in Somerville. The store itself is really cool. I enjoy going in there and getting rooster-themed items for my kitchen, and I really don’t have to spend a whole lot of money to do so. But this isn’t about kitchens, this is about shitters. I felt the effects of my Iced Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts percolate in my tummy while I was perusing the aisles, so I decided that I would seek out a place to lay down some of my own brown bargains.
The bathroom here is sort of hard to find. It is in the back of the store next to the kitchen stuff. There is a large sign that says; “Bathroom” so it is perfectly a-ok to go drop a duce in here. No purchase needed to use the bathroom, you just need to find it. OK so when you find the sign, there is a small hallway, and both restrooms are located on the right hand side.
When you walk into the restroom is rather large. It was larger than I was expecting with two stalls and two urinals located inside. One stall was normal sized, and the other was a handicap one. I shouldn’t need to say which one I used, because if you haven’t figured it out yet, I used the handicap stall.
Now the stall itself was large. It was rectangular in shape, and was the length of the entire back wall. I enjoyed the actual size of the stall itself. However, there was no coat hook to hang up my bag and jacket. But located in the handicap stall was a baby changing station. That is kind of smart to be honest. Most baby changing stations are located outside of stalls in full public view. I don’t think I have ever encountered anyone actually using one before, but I would imagine that I would want a little privacy when it comes to that. So after inspecting the station for any poo-remnants, I laid my jacket and bag on it. Sometimes you have to improvise.
Ok so I went and I unleashed a cascade of my aerial anal assault and I noticed how dirty the bathroom itself was. There was more than your typical amount of toilet paper scattered about the bathroom. It was like someone took a quarter of the roll and just threw it all over the place. What was even more concerning to me was it looked like someone tried to take out one of those toilet seat cover things, and try to stuff it back into the box. Not only that but there was a wet floor sign inside of the bathroom which indicated to me that an employee went in to clean it, and didn’t bother cleaning up the toilet paper scattered all over the ground. There could have just been some asshole who decided to wreck the place after the dude cleaned it too, but I guess we will never know.
OK so as I was sitting there shitting, I will say this bathroom is busy, and loud. There were a total of four people who walked in there. One of which had a child who wouldn’t shut the fuck up. It was a little girl from what I could gather and all she was babbling about was some stupid toy she wanted. The guy literally couldn’t get a word in edge-wise, except for the “be quiet please”. However, yours truly stunted her stammering with my anal assault, then they realized that they were not alone. The girl kept saying things like “daddy that is gross” and “oh my god daddy what is that smell”. I sat there kind of giggling to myself as the little girl was saying that, and before I knew it, they were gone from the bathroom.
Ok so the décor of the place was a little weird, and not in the good way. They had these olive colored tiled walls with white accent tiles, and they had a grey floor. To be honest the color scheme made the bathroom feel kind of dank and smaller than it actually was. The whole room itself felt like it was so claustrophobic. I really didn’t like it at all.
After my shit was complete I had the duty to wipe my ass. Unfortunately for me, this bathroom had that really cheap two ply, sandpaper-like toilet paper. The kind that rips my asshole to shreds. I shudder when I think of such shitty toilet paper. I know it is a closeout store, but they can’t get any better toilet paper?
Well the kind of cool thing was there were plungers in each stall. I guess when you are selling them for $2.99 you can afford to go and leave them in your bathrooms. I would do the same if I ever had a public toilet, only I would make a sign saying it was the customer’s duty to clean their duty. I should be an advertising agent or something like that.
So after using the manual flusher, sink, and soap I went to leave the bathroom when something in the top corner caught my eye. There seemed to be two motion sensor type air freshener dispensers. Both of which were not working because even at the entrance at the other end of the bathroom I could still smell my beefy dook like it was still coming out of my asshole.
Ok so now you know all about that bathroom, so why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now remember that all of these categories are out of a possible five. Let’s begin shall we?
Number of Stalls: 2
Stall Comfort: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Overall Rating: 2
The Christmas Tree Shop scored a two out of a possible five when it came to our ratings. It wasn’t very clean. It also wasn’t very accessible, which was good. However, the bargain basement toilet paper is something that really sank this ship. Not only that but it was fucking busy in there, and that little girl wouldn’t shut the fuck up and let me (or her dad) shit in peace. I liked the idea of what they were trying to do with the décor in this bathroom, but it really wasn’t working. I give them an A+ for thinking outside of the box with their color scheme, but really it isn’t doing the bathrooms any favors. The stall was roomy, but what good is that if there is no place to hang your jacket? Had there been baby shit on that changing station I would have been shit out of luck and had to place my coat and bag on the ground, which was wet, and had fucking wads of toilet paper all over it. Also who the hell decides that they don’t want the paper toilet seat cover? And why wouldn’t you just throw the fucking thing out? Why did you have to attempt to stuff it back into the box? We all know that things don’t go back into the box like it came out, so unless you are some sort of bathroom wizard, don’t fucking do it. Just throw the god damn thing out. If you are shopping in the store and need a place to shit, this is a bathroom. I would advise you to use the one in the parking garage, but if you can’t hold it, this one will just have to do, but do not think that you are going to get any five star accommodations here. Until next time, Peace.
OK so you read the review, and bought the book, so now what? Why don’t you share the site with your friends and you guys can laugh together at my misfortune of using terrible bathrooms? You can do that by sharing each post, in face there is probably a share button below this writing. You literally just have to press the button. I don’t care if it is on Tumblr, Twitter, Grider, or Facebook, just help me spread the word. Thanks again for reading and see you next week.
*Information about Christmas Tree Shops and Corporate Headquarters came from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Tree_Shops