Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Faneuil Hall North Building

Photo: Secret Shitter
        Faneuil Hall
, home to where newly minted American citizens get to take their oath. There is such history that goes on there. Now it has become a tourist trap. There is nothing historical for people to see here except the exterior of the buildings. It is now a high priced outdoor strip mall. It specializes in selling Boston-based souvenirs to tourists. However amongst all of these multinational people lurked The Secret Shitter.

               From my retail days I remembered that there was a hidden toilet that is not too often utilized by the public-at-large. I went into my trance and figured out where the location of it was. I was hoping that they didn’t get rid of it. The lavatory is located in the North Building of the Faneuil hall Marketplace. It is kind of hidden so bear with me as I explain how to get there. You keep the Newbury Comics main door to your left. If you keep walking along that row of doors, you will come across a door with stairs located inside. You head in that door and up the flight of stairs and directly ahead of you is the bathrooms.

                As you step in here you will notice that it is quite small. There are two stalls, one being a handicap one, and the other a regular one. Well at the time I had to shit, the regular stall was out of order. Standing inside the one stall I went to find the coat hanger, only to realize that there was none. Also that was not the least of my problems here. The door would not lock properly! A shitter’s worst nightmare. It seemed like the door was bent at a downward angle and the holes did not properly align. Trust me I tried with all of my might to get the fucking thing to lock, but it was all to no avail.
Photo: The Secret Shitter

                This door not locking situation has me on edge. This bathroom was fucking busy. Normally I wouldn’t mind sharing the delightful sounds of my butt-trumpet, however instead of a show of dominance, they are now flairs warning the people coming in as to what I am doing.

                Ok so once that people started to filter out and I had some alone time, I started to survey the décor of the bathroom. I know this is an old building so there isn’t much they are going to be able to do here. It had a silver stall dividers that seemed to be well past its prime. The powder room also boasts the most generic-looking white tiles that I have ever seen. On one side of the bathroom there was white paint that seemed to be painted years ago, and the other one was pure untouched brick. Inside of the stall where I was sounding the battle horns, I was on the brick wall side. It sort of made me feel like I was in a pizza oven to be honest. It kind of had a small novelty to it, but I quickly decided that this is the most slapped together bathroom I have seen in my day.

Photo: The Secret Shitter
         So now we know the stall comfort sucked. The place
was busier than a beaver, and the décor was awful. So why on earth would I expect the toilet paper to be any different? I guess maybe I had some sort of false hopes here. It was a very cheaply crafted two ply. It felt harsh and industrial. I feel like the managing company probably bought a thousand of them in bulk just to save a huge amount of money. They were probably like, “see, it is two ply”. But it is only two ply in name alone. I have wiped my ass with leaves that felt better. Ugh I am just wanting this terrible experience to finally end.

                The flusher was of the manual variety, and was very weak at taking my mighty offering to the sewage Gods. I had to flush the thing twice. The water faucet was also manual as well. I really hate it when the sink is manual. I just wiped my ass, and any good will I am doing is going to be nullified by using the manual part of the sink. The soap was automatic though! However it only dispensed a miniscule amount of soap to use on my hands. The time delay on this soap was out of control as well. And you can probably imagine that the only option that you have to dry your hands is with an old archaic air dryer. The air dryer, even after two cycles left my hands horribly damp. I did not like it one bit.

                So now that we know the score, let us begin The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember everything is out of a possible five (5) stars.

Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Stall Comfort: 1
Busyness: 4
Décor: 2
 Cleanliness: 3
Accessibility: 2.5

Overall rating: 1.5

Photo: The Secret Shitter
Yup this bathroom scored very low on my list of bathrooms. Even though this bathroom isn’t as highly used as the one in Quincy Market (which we will review later) I would have thought that it would have been in better shape. One of the stalls was completely out of order, and the other one might have well been. The whole door not locking thing really fucked with me. I know this is a spot where some homeless people will go considering this is a highly trafficked tourist destination. I was terrified that a homeless man, or some wayward tourist was going to barge into the stall and blow The Secret Shitter’s cover. I cannot risk getting caught doing what I do. I usually have my cell phone out taking notes and snapping some “bird’s eye view” pictures, I just don’t feel like explaining to people with my pants around my ankles what The Secret Shitter is, and how I serve my community. If anyone here is reading from the management company from Faneuil Hall North Building, fucking fix your goddamn bathroom. People cannot poop in piece good sir or ma’am. And this as the main reasoning behind such a shitty score. When you combine all of the other factors you can see why it scored in the lowest category. I thought that since this bathroom was well out of the path of the tourists that it would be some kind of secret butt oasis, but how wrong I was. If I were you, I would just find another place to take a shit. There are plenty of other options well within walking distance of here. There are three that are in this blog (or will be) within one block. So steer clear of this shitter, and remember folks, shitting time is Zen time.  

Remember this is the part of the post where I bug you to follow me.

Twitter: @Secret_Shitter

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