Monday, August 31, 2015

Quincy Market

Exterior Shot, Photo: Secret Shitter
Quincy Market
is another one of Boston’s landmarks turned-tourist-trap. It shares the same property as Faneuil Hall. While Faneuil Hall is the Mall, Quincy Market would be the food court. Most of the restaurants that inhabit this place are along the middle walkway of the building. There are a few sit down restaurants including; Dick’s Last Resort, Cheers, and Wangamama. Most of the restaurants inside are set up side-by-side in different stalls. There is one large rotunda located in the center of the building where you can sit down and enjoy your meal. That is if you can find a seat to call your own.

     Now with all this said and done it is time  to get down to the brown business of sorts. The Secret Shitter spares no one when it comes to my pooping follies, and why would Quincy Market be any different? So how exactly does one get to this place? Well you have to be on the right side of the building. It is the same side where the Urban Outfitters is located. Now they are doing some work on the building so the traditional way to get to the shitters is blocked off. You have to enter in the door by the Wangamama Noodle place. You turn to your right, keeping the push carts on your left, and walk straight down until you can walk any more. You will see an illuminated sign that points down the short flight of stairs that says “bathrooms”.
Door you need to enter, photo: Secret Shitter
                Now thankfully I went a little later in the night. It is not unusual to have to wait in line to use the bathroom here. This place is jam-packed with people and it reflects in the number of toilets they have on premise. This place has a total number of four stall to choose from. Three of which are regular, and the other one is a handicap stall. I shat here on two different occasions and used both; the handicap stall, and one of the regular ones. This particular article doesn’t really make a difference which stall you use because the outcome will remain the same except the handicap stall has more legroom.

                One of the first things I noticed after getting into the bathroom was the overpowering smell of piss. It was like someone just whipped out their Willy and decided to mark the entire bathroom as their territory. Now I don’t think it was just someone pissing all over the stalls, this bathroom also has like ten urinals inside, so that is a lot of people taking a piss.

                As I sat down there I couldn’t help but feel like a countdown clock had been started. This bathroom is busy at all hours of the day and night. There is a constant sound of the air dryers going off. I used this to my advantage by having the air dryer mask the sounds of my meaty shit. This particular day I demolished the toilet, I am sure my father is looking down on me with his heart bursting with pride. So as I said I felt like the countdown clock had been started. This is because I got at least four knocks at the door by people looking to use the shitter. If you cannot poop under pressure and get nervous when others are nearby, I would suggest finding a more secluded spot to take your dump.
Leftover TP, Photo: Secret Shitter

                The décor in here was really nothing to write home about. Actually it was rather bland. It did look decent as a bathroom could be but there seemed to be no ambition on the part of the designers. The walls were white. They were also tiled. The floor was green with what looked like black speckled pebbles intertwined in the tile design. I liked it to be honest, but I have a trained eye. If you were to just walk in here and pee or shit quickly than the floor would appear to be a dark green. The stall dividers were of the customary silver plated variety. Again this bathroom is more for convenience than for looks.

                However for how busy this bathroom was, it was very well maintained all things considered. There were wet spots blotted all over the floor but I was expecting that and wasn’t too shocked to find them. All the toilet paper rolls were filled and looked well maintained. Nothing in this bathroom seemed to be out of order. However I did overhear someone talking to themselves in the adjacent stall saying, “how the hell did they get this much piss all over the place”? So take my word here with a grain of salt. There are a number of different stalls, and I might have just been lucky on this day.

                Now with a bathroom that goes through this many people one would think that they would have one of those sandpaper-esq toilet papers. I am proud to report to you that this place had average quality two ply toilet paper. It definitely is not going to win them any awards, but it is not the worst that has touched my bum.

                With the majority of the review all wrapped up, I guess it is that time again for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember that this system is out of a possible five (5) stars.

Number of Stalls: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Stall Comfort: 1
Busyness: 5
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 3
Accessibility: 3

Overall Rating: 2
Secret Shitter's Shitty Map, Quincy Market

                Quincy Market scored a two on the Secret Shitter’s Review. There are a few reasons for and against giving it this low of a score. But it is my blog and I make the rules, so that is my story and I am sticking to it. See I like to find stalls that are out of the way. I liken it to an adventure, if you will. Now I knew walking in here that I wasn’t going to score it very high. I had used this bathroom hundreds of times on my walks to Aquarium MBTA Station when I used to drink. It is convenient and it is open for a good chunk of the day, and nobody is going to give you shit for using it. However, this bathrooms’ busyness factor is the sole reason it scored so low; if the number of stalls wasn’t any indication. Now I really could give a shit less whether or not the bathroom is busy. If I got to go, I got to go. But man, was this bathroom off the chain. There were people changing in there, and to top it off I got the door knocked on at least four times. That has to be some kind of record. Now remember this bathroom had three additional stalls, and I was still having my door knocked on several times. I don’t know if it was junkies, or homeless people (who were changing in the bathroom) but people, give me a fucking break! I am trying to take a shit here, and I am not going to hurry my experience when I have important reporter stuff to do! That is why this bathroom scored so low. Now, if I were a power-dumper, than this place would be perfect for me. But I like to savor the flavors in life and take my time doing so. Plus it always wigs me out when people start knocking on the door. I feel almost scared in a way. I mean all there is blocking them from coming in is a hallow piece of aluminum, which could easily be kicked in. If I were a thieve, I would be robbing people blind while they had their pants around their ankles. What the hell are you going to do, stand up and fight with your pants around your ankle and your dick blowing in the wind? Well yeah, I totally got off topic there, but you get my point nonetheless. So if you are looking for a place to take a quick piss, this bathroom is awesome, but if you are looking to take a dump, and it turns out you might be a while. Than I would really consider finding a different bathroom, however in times of need, this is a perfectly serviceable place to lay down your brown seed. Alright people thanks for reading and remember that your shit time is your time, and don’t compromise it for anyone!

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