Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Ames Hotel Boston

     So I took a little time off to recoup from pooping for the last two weeks. Which is part of the reason I only post two reviews a week, either way, when I was walking down Washington Street in Boston tonight, I got the worst urge simmering up from the depths below. I was so close, yet so far from home. I knew if I got on that train that it would only lead me to bad places as far as my bowels were concerned. So I urgently looked around, and I saw right in front of me, our next destination, The Ames Hotel Boston.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
               The building was mysterious and swanky. Every time I walk past it, nothing I can see through the front windows resembles a hotel. There is just a bar off to the right, with some patio seating outdoors. When I stepped through the front door I noticed a small desk in the left hand room with two attendants standing there assisting a family. Apparently the son, probably around twelve was experiencing inner ear problems, they couldn’t figure out if a doctor was open, and them being Australian, they couldn’t understand the concept of the CVS Minuet Clinic. That was their only option, or go to the emergency room, which the father laughed at because he didn’t want to rack up debt while on vacation. So he told his son to “suck it up for the night”, and they went back away to their rooms.

               Now it was my turn at the front desk. I tried to be a little helpful and sympathetic towards the family because I had an ulterior motive to shit in their building. The desk agent told me that the bathroom was on the second floor, and up, up, and away I went.

               I really had no time to find the stairs; I jumped right onto the elevator and headed for floor two. I got off the elevator and after a quick scan of my surroundings; I headed right towards the bathroom. The men’s room was the first door on the left after you turn right down the hallway. You open the door, and turn slightly right, and the first thing you notice is how bright and modern-looking the bathroom really is. There were two stalls, and two very large full length mirrors on the opposite side of the stalls. The first stall was open, and normally I would inspect the premise for a handicap stall, this time I just couldn’t, I was going to shit, and I was going to shit in the next few moments.
Photo: The Secret Shitter

               I was actually amazed when I walked into the stall. The toilet was futuristic looking, it was sort of boxy and had no flusher attached to it. There were these two buttons built into the wall above it, one big one, and one little one. I closed the door behind me, and I noticed something seemed off; the stall door was heavy and was a full sized door!

               This fully sized door is totally a game changer in my book. You actually feel as though you are pooping in a private bathroom, but you’re not. Either way I decided to tend to the task at hand and tend to my brown crop which I was harvesting at a rapid pace.

               I will say that the square toilet felt a tad awkward. I thought maybe it was something that your body just gets used to. However my butt never really conformed or accepted this radical new toilet design. I am not saying that it is bad, it just felt weird. It was kind of high too. So my feet were dangling off of the floor, and my ass was getting used to this square nesting-style toilet.

               The décor was really nothing that I would write home about. There were solid black tiles on the floor, and painted white walls. As modern as this shitter was, nothing really jumped out at me about the décor. There were those full length mirror’s on the opposite wall, and the sinks were pretty cool looking (which I will get to later in the post), but this was kind of lack luster. For a place that wouldn’t let me open the front door, the bathrooms looks’ sure were disappointing.
Photo: The Secret Shitter

               To be honest, it was nighttime when I went so I couldn’t really gauge with accuracy how busy the bathroom really is. However, I will say that I honestly thought I was alone in the latrine. That was until I heard the flush in the adjacent stall. Man that full sized door really comes in handy here; it was like a sound barrier from all of the outside distractions. It was kind of Zen-like to be honest. One can just sit there and keep their single-mindedness towards the poop. You can become one with the poop. I however I was serving up what I could only describe as anal ice cream, thick and creamy was the tone of this shit. It felt as though the shit would never end. I was fearing that I would have to wipe endlessly due to the wet marker which my anus would transform into.

               This brings me to the next two phases of the evaluation, now I know this is going to be the first post with this new gauge in there, but the cell phone reception was about three to four bars.  Yeah so I tried to surf the information superhighway while I was on the throne and I honestly didn’t really have any problems with reception. I was able to browse Facebook and Twitter with the greatest of ease. Now to be honest I have Metro PCS as my carrier, which I believe uses T-mobiles towers, so your results may vary.
Photo: The Secret Shitter

               So I was done serving the brown ice cream to the happy children by the lake, when I had to turn my attention to the final boss. The initial toilet paper evaluation seemed promising. It was two ply, and was ribbed for my pleasure. It seemed cushy, which is always a good thing. So here goes nothing. I started wiping and to my butthole’s delight, it was as cushy as the evaluation predicted. I should somehow patent this system, but that seems too strenuous of an activity for me at this current juncture in time. So with the wiping done it was time to turn my attention to the buttons that were built into the wall. I figured that the larger button was for poops, and the smaller one was used for tinkles. So I pushed down the large button, and like a demon grabbing someone straight down to hell, it took my load without mercy. So for shits and giggles I pushed the smaller button, and my assumption was correct, it was a lighter flush mostly used for tinkles.

               So now that the deed is done I turned my attention to the wash station. It was pretty different to be honest. There was a manual sink, but it was large, square, and flat. It was such a cool design! There were no signs of any kind of concave shaping. I guess there had to be some kind to make the water go down the drain, but man it was really fucking cool to play with it. There was a soap dispenser to your right, and then there were only paper towels to dry your hands. All in all the wash station was pretty cool.

               So now that I am done with my dastardly task, it is time once again to start The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember some of the categories are subjective, and are entirely up to my discretion, the categories ratings are also out of a possible five (5) stars. So let’s not make haste, and let’s get to the reviewin’…

Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 4
Stall Comfort: 4.5
Busyness: 2
Décor: 3
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 1

Overall Rating:  5
Photo: The Secret Shitter
               There you have it; The Ames Hotel Boston scored 5 out of 5 stars here on The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. I initially gave these 4.5 stars due to the décor, but I had a change of heart as I kept writing about this. I mean this is a very Secret Shitter. Now I really don’t like to give out five stars all willy-nilly but this little guy grew on me. I know the standards should be a tad higher, but if you don’t like it write your own damn blog! The bathroom is completely tucked away from the public. If you were to just walk into the lobby you would never find it without asking someone who was there. That in and of itself is worth the high rating alone. Now yes the décor is sort of boring, but I will say that the square, flat sink totally made up for any mundane features that were presented in the latrine. Not only that but the stall comfort is completely off the charts here. Not only does the deep colored wood door look fantastic against the plain colors, but the coat hanger is sturdy as a brick shit-house. Not only that but the fucking door is full sized! I mean I literally could not hear the gentleman in the next stall shitting. Usually you hear some type of sound coming from next to you, but here, you hear nothing but flushing toilets. I didn’t even hear him walking out of the stall. It was like a room, within a room. That alone is worth the price of admission (which is free by the way). Now the convenience of where the hotel is located is also something to take into effect. It is diagonal to the State Street MBTA Station. You are hustling and bustling in Downtown, and you need to lay down some loud stinky ass-burgers, you will want to go to this fucking bathroom. You can grunt as loud as your little heart desires, and nobody will really hear you. There is something to be said about that. Not only that, but the bathroom is clean too. I didn’t notice anything out of place here to be honest. I know I didn’t touch on it in the initial review, but it was actually so clean, I didn’t even record it in my notes. It was like all of the comforts of home, but I was in Downtown Boston, taking a grumpy, and I wasn’t being bothered by anything. So there you have it kids, if you want to go to this truly secret poo-spot, than I would highly recommend going to the Ames Hotel Boston. Until next time folks, keep your toilet paper cushy and your seat warm.
Photo: The Secret Shitter
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