Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Walgreens on School Street

     One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go cat go. I said this upon entering our next location. No I didn’t get to shit at some cool Elvis club or anything; I said this after I penetrated the stall threshold to the Walgreens on School Street’s bathroom.
Front of the Walgreens on School Street
Photo Credit: The Secret Shitter

      Now before I tell you my harrowing tale of poop, let’s back up a bit. The Walgreens on School Street is located on School Street in downtown Boston opposite the 7-11 and the State Street MBTA Station. Some of you may remember this building as the old Borders Book Store. Now back when this was a Borders, there was a public bathroom you could utilize while you did your shopping or reading. Since then the Walgreens Corporation took over the space, and converted it into a 24 hour store. However I believe at some point in the night they close the restrooms off to the general public, but I do not think there is any set time.
     Now the old bathroom is still in its old location, down a level in the basement of the structure. When you enter the store head directly towards the back, before the short flight of stairs there will be a tiny hallway on your left with a restroom sign. I would suggest heading towards that direction and pressing the down button on the elevator. Once you step into the elevator hit the “B” button and make your decent into the bowels that lurk below.
Some Bathroom Advice
Photo Credit: The Secret Shitter
Now I had to do just a quick drop off tonight, but still I had to poop nonetheless. You turn right after you exit the elevator and the men’s room is the last door on your right hand side. Upon entering the bathroom I saw that the one handicap stall was vacant, so with excitement in my heart I headed into the stall. As I locate the coat hanger to hang my bag and lock the door I turn around and my heart absolutely sank. There was toilet paper strewn all over the floor like someone took a dook in the corner and tried to hide it. There was also writing on the wall in red Sharpie which read; “Someone Teach the Homeless to Be Clean Forreal”… Holy hell they were they right. This is one of the worst shitters I have seen in my day. I cannot say with any degree of certainty that a member of the homeless population inflicted such a ruckus, but whoever it is, you should probably cut that shit out, some poor sap has to clean up that mess at some point in his day.

     Now normally a little mess here and there does not frighten yours truly. This kind of mess was on a whole level unto itself. I first pull the seat down to asses any damage. To my surprise there is some kind of liquid on the seat. So I balled up a bunch of the toilet paper, and proceeded to clean the area which would seat my anus. I am normally not one of those guys who use those disposable seat covers, I feel as though they are a complete waste of precious resources, but I will change my mind in this case. So with the cover on the seat, it was go time.
Shitty Map by Secret Shitter
     The bathroom itself was relatively quiet considering it was nine o’clock PM in downtown Boston. However I could not really sit and enjoy myself because as I kept thinking that I have seen the last of the mess, something else would catch my eye, and I would be drawn to it. At first I noticed all of the wadded up toilet paper in the corner, there was no way that one could miss that. The second thing that instantly caught my eye was the broken toilet paper holder. There were plastic pieces broken off of the dispenser just lying on the floor. As I was looking at the floor, a fly landed on my arm. I thought that was a tad odd that the fly would be hovering around me, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. I turn my attention to my immediate right and nestled into the bar which helps give the handicap their leverage, there was a half-eaten rotten apple just stuck in between the bar and the wall. How fucking gross is that? I know every time I go to take a shit I just start munching down on a fucking apple. However, as I look around more and more trying to soak up the décor, I see what I can only describe as either; baby powder, or cornstarch thrown all over the adjacent stalls’ floor. Maybe someone was having a serious case of the swamp ass. After looking at that horrible mess, I look on the side stall divider and what I see can only be described as one of two things; runny rust water which has dried, or blood.
One Part of the Mess I encountered
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter
     The décor of the bathroom can only be described as gloomy and out dated. The color scheme seemed to be darkish grey, and grey, with the silver stall dividers acting as the only contrast in my porcelain prison.
     I wanted to do my damndest and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. I fixate my attention to the toilet paper. This tissue was really atrocious on all levels. Not only was this paper disappointing, but remember the broken toilet paper holder? Yeah I had to take the entire roll off of the spindle and run it around my hands and place the roll back onto the spindle with each wipe. This is very inconvenient to me considering I am trying to get the hell out of dodge.
     The flush of the bowl took down everything in one fell swoop, toilet cover and all. I am actually unaware if you are supposed to even flush those now that I think of it. The flusher was a manual one so I had to kick it with my foot to flush down my brown.
What The Actual Fuck
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter
 The sink itself had a manual faucet and it was equipped with paper towels for hand drying. Now the barrel which housed the used paper towels were overflowing past capacity and boiling over onto the floor below. I could do nothing but shake my head and head out the door.
      Now that we got the 411 on the spot it is time for The Secret Shitters Ratings. Remember people this is out of a possible 5 stars.

Number of Stalls: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Stall Comfort: -1
Busyness: 1.5
Décor: 1
Cleanliness: - 10
Accessibility: 2.5

Overall Rating:   - 5

The Mess That I First Encountered
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter
  Well what do we have here? We have our worst rating to date! If I said I would rather go to the dentist than take a shit here I would be telling you the honest truth. This bathroom is a pitiful excuse for a latrine. I am willing to bet that if I dropped my drawers in Pi Alley and took a shit there that it would be more beneficial for my health. Whoever is in charge of the upkeep in this restroom ought to be ashamed of themselves. Families with children poop here! This spot would be perfect for the convenience factor; it is literally on the way to most destinations in the downtown region. However I would not shit in this bathroom with your ass, and your buddy pushing. In a way I feel terrible for the poor man who has drawn the short straw on the shift and has to clean up this abomination. Never in my day have I felt so uncomfortable pooping. So there you have it folks, if I were you and I was in this area I would avoid it at all costs, unless you have to pee, and are male. I only say that because unfortunately the powers which created us did not grant women the ability to pee while standing. If the men’s room is like this I can only imagine what the ladies’ room looks like. So remember people; where ever your adventure takes you, grunt with pride and never be ashamed to poop.

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