Monday, August 10, 2015

Custom House Marriott Hotel

A View of the Enterance
Photo Credit: The Secret Shitter
                Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the top of the mountain, and all that dwells below. I have walked through hell, and I have ascended into a higher realm of reality. I did so entering the Custom House Marriott Hotel late last night. Now before I left for work, I did something I shouldn’t have, I went and pooped. I guess I dropped my load off too soon, and I feared that I would not be able to accomplish any kind of review on this night. However a Grande Iced Americano from the local Starbucks revved my sphincters’ engine loud and proud for round two of the evening.

   Now I always walk by the Custom House Marriott Hotel without ever realizing it. It is the iconic clock tower which adorns Boston’s skyline. Now as I was just having second thoughts about going number two, I decided to take the plunge and just go for it.

     I walked into the elegant circular lobby and my eyes were met with a dazzling array of sights. Circular leather chairs arranged so they were pointing in each direction of the different wings of the hotel. There were two desks aligned in a quarter circle surrounding one half of the lobby. In all of my wonder and amazement I realized I was alone, or so I thought. A voice came out from around me, and it said “can I help you”? Why yes you can kind sir. I told the front desk agent that I wished to use the facilities, and he handed me an electronic key card. He then told me the restrooms were straight ahead on my right, I couldn’t miss it. So I took the twenty-something’s advice and headed for my next destination.
A View of the Throne, Photo; The Secret Shitter
     After tapping the key card on the sensor I opened the door to my astounded eyes and saw my lone throne sitting at the end of a deep set bathroom. I was dazzled by brilliance and baffled by my own bullshit; I could not believe they were letting a lone pooper such as myself in to use this grand bathroom. I shut the door and turned around to find a very posh-yet-functional coat hanger on the door. I hung my bag up knowing it was my journalistic duty to get down to some business.
     The far end of the bathroom, where the toilet lies, was a tad dark. I thought to myself that was a tad peculiar. So as I looked down to my right I noticed a sensor-type light switch which had a button and an LED screen. I pushed the button and low and behold the throne lit up. What I found was cool about this was the LED screen had a countdown timer that started from twenty minutes. So I decided that now I was under the gun and it was time to release some brown arsenal of my own.
     The toilet was just at the perfect height above the ground. In this position I was able to gather the thoughts that were bouncing through my head. This is totally how the other half of society lives, and now that I have had a taste of it, I want more!
     The floor was made of marble, or really convincing faux marble and the walls were adorned with gold tiles with some slim black accent to it. The black accent gave the tiles an upscale feeling which permeated around the room like the gas from which I released from my bowels. The mirror had a very nice antique-like cut to it, bordered with a deep colored wood trim. The sink counter matched the tiled floor perfectly. As I sat there and soaked up the atmosphere I noticed the large framed flowered artwork which hung on the right hand wall.
Tis a long way away to my bag, Photo; The Secret Shitter
     After soaking in the elegant décor, I realized that the true test was about to begin. I looked down to notice two rolls of very posh toilet paper hung on their spindles besides me. One was hung in the “over” fashion, and the other in the “Under” fashion. As I gently test the toilet paper by placing the tissue in between my index finger and thumb and proceed to press, I know I am in for a heavenly wiping experience. It was plush and felt as though it was made of the top-of-the-line material. They clearly had some money and they wanted to flaunt it. My initial suspicions were confirmed as I wiped my sweaty stained anus. With a bounce in my step I pulled up my drawers and I headed for the hand washing area of the restroom.
     En route to the hand washing area, I noticed that the automatic flusher did not take down my less than usual load. While it took down the important stuff, it left behind some paper on the halfway point of the bowl. I placed my hand under the automatic faucet to wet my hands. I then waved my hands over the Sloan soap dispenser and was not surprised by the odd timing delay of the soap. While the whole process took about one-and-one-quarter cycles I turned my attention to the hand drying station. I was not surprised that there was only one option; paper towels. These towels were also of the same caliber that the toilet paper was.
     After returning the key card to the front desk, I gave my thanks and I headed towards a bench to write down my notes. I have truly and thoroughly enjoy the shit which I just took.
A Clean Floor is a Happy Floor
Photo: Secret Shitter
     So now that you have read all about my experience, I guess it is time that we rate this bathroom, Secret Shitter style! Now remember my loyal readers that this rating system is out of a possible five (5) stars.

Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 5
Stall Comfort: 5
Busyness: 0
Décor: 5
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 2

Overall Rating: 5

                You have just witnessed history here on The Secret Shitter folks; a near perfect 5 star rating, a first here on The Secret Shitter! Now the only reason why this is not a perfect score is due to the accessibility criteria. You must first go in through the gatekeeper at the front desk who shall decide your pooping fate. I imagine that depending on how you look, you may or may not be able to access this oasis of a shitter. But with all of that considered, this toilet is truly a home run in every facet. This property takes pride in their pooper and it shows! There was nothing out of place in this bathroom, and everything was in complete working order. I was also a fan of the countdown timer. The toilet paper was supple and soft as it caressed my butthole. So now that you know how awesome of a shitter there is right outside of the Quincy Market area, I would highly suggest that if the butt-gremlins come a-callin’ that you give them an upscale burial at The Custom House Marriott Hotel.

Did you like what you just read? Do you want to be “in the know”? Do you want to impress all of your friends with your vast knowledge of great pooping locations? Than please follow us on social media! Here is where you can find us:

Twitter: @Secret_Shitter

Do you have some feedback for me? Are you interested in advertising on the site? Are you in need of a review? Then I urge you to email me at:

No comments: