Monday, August 3, 2015

Boston Public Market - Opening Day Exclusive

A first look in the Boston Public Market
Photo; The Secret Shitter
                The Boston Public Market is this town’s newest year-round indoor farmers market. It opened its’ doors to the public at large on July 30, 2015. It sits right outside of Haymarket MBTA Station. Since the city is buzzing about this location opening, I thought I would stroll through the market and see what all of the hoopla was about. There was a very abundant selection of locally-sourced food from the Massachusetts, and New England Area. Only the finest products were on display, but The Secret Shitter did not come here to find locally grown organic kale, no ladies and gentlemen, I came to see the bigger picture, I came to conquer the unknown, and bring you an exclusive first look inside the crapper of The Boston Public Market.

                Let us not make haste and dive right in. If you are not interested in seeing the market itself then I would not recommend going in through the main entrance. I would enter in through the side door which is located on Hanover Street directly across from Marshall Street, and The Point Bar. However the main entrance is located on the corner after you exit the Haymarket MBTA Station. I muddled past all of the wide-eyed gawkers and headed straight for the lavatory.

A view from the throne
Photo; The Secret Shitter
        I was kind of taken aback when I first entered the restroom. The décor was amazing to say the least. It was bright and looked very modern. Also it just so happens the handicap stall was open directly on my left. There were three stalls total if you include the handicap one. I was a bit surprised by this considering this building is two floors, but maybe there is another one on the upper deck? I closed the stall door and hung my backpack and umbrella on the very sturdy coat hanger which was centered on the stall door.

                I meandered past the open baby changing station which was hanging on the wall, and proceeded to seat myself on this newly christened throne. I knew that someone else had the distinct pleasure of breaking this in by the scattered pieces of toilet paper which was strewn across the floor. I went and plopped down on this seat to start soaking in the euphoric atmosphere. Plenty of people had a hand in opening up this facility and I am sure today was a very proud day for them. As my mind began wondering what seemed to bring me back to reality was my feet. It seemed as though they were dangling clearly three inches from the floor. A very high throne, I thought to myself as I furiously started snapping pictures and taking notes.
Up close of the wood paneling
Photo: The Secret Shitter

                The bathroom was very eye-pleasing I noticed. The walls were lined with fake light wood paneling. The ground was a toupe color with some stone looking white accents thrown into each tile. The baseboard was a nice light blue, which flowed brilliantly with the wood paneling lining the walls. The stall divider colors were even a part of this barrage of bathroom art. They were a very pleasing beige color, tying together the whole atmosphere of the shitter.

                It is unfortunate that someone sauntered into the contiguous stall. What I am certain they heard could only be described as an anal piss, largely in part to the Burger King Chicken Fries I consumed before entering the market. However I was in it for the long haul and I bit my lip and grabbed a hold of the bar next to me and I gave it all I got. The stream was going for a good seven seconds before succumbing to the pitter-patter-like farts that ended the anal onslaught. While this was going on I thought to myself about how serene this bathroom is. For opening day there was only one other person who entered the room, which I thought was quite nice and relaxing to be honest.
A shot of the floor & Baseboard
Photo; The Secret Shitter

                Now that I was done growing some brown turnips of my own, I turned my attention to the toilet paper which had the dastardly task of cleaning my ass. As I laid the tissue between my fingers to give an initial evaluation my thoughts turned immediately to disappointment. Although this toilet paper IS technically two ply, it is only referred to as such because there were two pieces of extremely thin paper joined together to form this devious roll of TP. As you guessed it, my anus because immediately angered by the sheer harshness of the paper which it was given.

Dyson AirBlade V
Photo; The Secret Shitter
                After the task of cleaning up, I turned to find that the flusher itself was a manual one; although it took down my offering without mercy.  I gathered my items and I headed towards the wash station where I began my next phase of the evaluation. The water faucet was push-type manual one, along with the soap dispenser. It took me only one cycle to rid my hands of any leftover poo-goo, and I turned to my left to see what options I have for drying my hands. There were two options, paper towel, and air dry. Now normally this would be the part where I tell you that I dried my hands with paper towels, and went about my merry way. However, it was not on this day, and not in this restroom. I had noticed a rather odd small box with a V-like bottom. I went in for further investigation to find out it was the Dyson Airblade V hand dryer. It was the little brother to the Dyson Airblade DB (which you will read about in another post later down the road). The way this small contraption works is you put your hands horizontally under the two “V” sides and a concentrated blast of air comes down in a very thin line. You pull your hands to and fro like you are playing a game of Slap Hands. It doesn’t do an effective job, just like all air dryers, but because of the novelty of the situation I decided I would use it.
The Dyson Airblade V Instructions
Photo; The Secret Shitter

                So now you know about my opening day expoodition, it is time to turn our attention once again to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember these ratings are out of a possible five (5).
Secret Shitter's Shitty Map

Number of Stalls: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Stall Comfort: 4
Busyness: 1.5
Décor: 4
Cleanliness: 3.5
Accessibility: 4

Overall Rating: 4

                The Boston Public Market gets a solid Four Stars in my book. I would have climbed a half a point higher if it wasn’t for the horrendous toilet paper. This bathroom is very pleasing on most levels. Aesthetically speaking it is very dapper. The whole design draws your eye around the room, and the color scheme works brilliantly. The stall was a tad messy, with the opened baby-changing station and the few pieces of TP hanging around on the ground. However the toilet paper seemed to be unused, and looks like it was just extra from when the previous person used it. It was also opening day, so I am sure there were a higher-than-normal volume of people who entered and used the facility. This place was centrally located, and the restroom was very easy to find. This is totally one of those pooping safe havens in the North Station/Garden area. It can also be quickly utilized by all of those Blue Line Commuters who have to switch at Haymarket to get on the Orange Line just to go one stop. This is definitely a Secret Shitter’s delight. I hope that the bathroom can maintain the high standard it set on opening day. If I were you I would not hesitate in the least to check out this place, plus you can buy some groceries while you are at it, and kill two birds with one stone! Until next time people, take it easy and happy shitting!

Shot of the sink area
Photo; The Secret Shitter
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