Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Hotel Buckminster

           Our next adventure brings us to the Hotel Buckminster located in Kenmore Square. I am pretty sure this about does it for public restrooms in this neighborhood of Boston, but you never know. The sign for the hotel is located right on the corner of Brookline Avenue and Commonwealth Avenue. But the entrance to the hotel is located around the corner on Commonwealth Avenue.

            Out of all the times I have walked by here I have never actually been inside of the hotel itself. I used to walk by it and just say the name of the hotel in a bad English accent. But today would be different, not only would I go into the hotel, but I would take a crap in it!

            So once you walk up the stairs, you are in quite possibly the smallest hotel lobby I have stepped foot in to date. There are a few chairs for you to sit down in, but it is pretty much a wood covered room (a very classy touch I might add) and a desk with an agent. I don’t think you are going to get into the restroom without declaring your need to use said restroom. So begrudgingly I asked the front desk agent if I could use the restroom. Even though he was very pleasant, I still don’t like asking people to use the restroom. Maybe I am afraid of getting outed as The Secret Shitter. Even though my name is all over it, and my picture appears in our first book, I still don’t like the employees to know it is me. Although this hasn’t been a problem to date, I just feel like it would skew the results if I were to be noticed in public.

            Anyway enough of that chatter, the very nice front desk agent told me that the restroom was down the hall on the right hand side. There are literally only two ways you can go in this hotel, and I stupidly didn’t even notice the sign pointing to the restroom. Either way they knew I was there to use the restroom, and thus didn’t call the cops on me for just walking in there.

            So I come to the door on the right which has the bathroom. It is a one stall private inter-gender restroom. Just a toilet and a sink. I turned on the light, and tried to locate the coat hook to hang my bag up. I will say that the light in the restroom was quite dim. It actually took a good five to seven minutes for the light to reach “normal” brightness. I was pretty much just pooping in a darkened room. Oh yeah I was trying to find the coat hook to hang my bag up. So Here is what the situation is like. The bathroom itself is very tiny. Not much room other than a toilet, and a sink. On the opposite side of the door was a 3M coat hook. Like the one you would buy at a target. That is what this hotel had to hang your coat up with. I hate those things. They are very small for being a coat hook, and I was almost positive it would have fallen down if I had actually put my bag on said hook. So I opted to just lay my bag down by the bottom of the door and hope for the best.

            I will say that the restroom itself was very tidy. I mean I don’t know how it couldn’t be considering how small it was. There was barley any room to move around here, and there was an old style radiator just chillin’ in there with you. This bathroom is already displeasing me. I will say that the décor of the shitter was of a brownish hue. Not much more to say other than that. Also on another note, not a soul bothered me while I was in there making some brown décor of my own.

            As you can imagine the toilet and sink were of the manual variety. The bathroom also boasted a paper towel only hand drying option. By the time I was done drying my hands the light had reached full brightness. With my hands all dry and my belly emptied of the poo, I thanked the front desk agent, and I went off about my way.

            Now that you have heard the rather uneventful tale of my pooping adventure, it is time to get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review…

Number of Stalls: 1
Accessibility: 2
Stall Comfort: 2
Cleanliness: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 3
Décor: 3.5
Busyness: 1

Overall Rating: 3

            The Hotel Buckminster got an average Three Stars out of a possible five. This was literally the most boring dump I had taken to date. Nothing went wrong outside of the lights taking an incredibly long time to heat up. It was just, average. The comfort factor was low, and the coat hook was flimsy at best. I am not saying this is a bad place to take a shit or anything, but it isn’t going to wow you. It is just bland. The lights taking its’ time to heat up leaves you in a dimly lit bathroom. I felt like I should have lit a cigarette just to give it ambiance. Like I said, there really isn’t anything to write home about when it comes to this toilet. I actually kind of feel like I deprived you guys by reviewing it. I wish something would have happened to me while I took a dump here but sadly, it was just average. Even the fucking toilet paper was average. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad. And that ladies and gentlemen describes the Hotel Buckminster, it isn’t good, it isn’t bad, but it will get the job done.

            Are you still looking for that wild factor? Why not just go over to Amazon and buy our book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1? It has all sorts of wild tales of dooking around the city. And it can fit easily inside of a purse, briefcase, or backpack. So take the only guidebook you really need with you wherever you are! Until next time, Peace. 

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