Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Assembly Row Parking Garage

The Diamond in the Rough
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter
Did you know that going down to Somerville’s Assembly Row is one of my favorite new spots? I love the fact that there is a Christmas Tree Shop, Kmart, and a Home Depot all along the MBTA’s brand new Assembly Station. There are plenty of things to do here. There are numerous factory outlet stores. Assembly Row is also home to Legoland! I cannot enter Legoland without a child. Maybe one of these days I will take my nephew down and pay a visit. But for now I was searching for the public restroom when I had to flag down some security people and have them point the way. It is hidden inside of the parking garage, which brings us to our next episode of The Secret Shitter.

      Locating this is a tad tricky. It is next to the Gymboree outlet store. You head down a concrete hallway, and look directly right and you will see a large illuminated box within the confines of the drab indoor parking lot.

Now this restroom is split, left side for the men, and right for the women. If you are waiting for one of your friends or loved ones, there are very nice benches located directly out of the bathroom exit. The benches look like they are made of faux leather, and are somewhat comfortable to sit on. I know this because as I was going over my notes, I spent a good five to seven minutes sitting down.

Now as you enter you will see two stalls and a handicap one. You know which one I am headed for… I saunter my way into the handicap stall and I lock the door behind me. As I shut the door and I am mentally preparing myself, I turn around to find the coat hanger, which is located on most of the stall doors, but I could not find one. I turn my attention slightly right, and on the right side of the door there is the coat hanger hanging on the wall. “Impressive” I say to myself, this is totally a first for me. Someone clearly has either been reading the blog, or they are just another like-minded bathroom aficionado.

The restroom itself is very bright, and tidy. I go to “get in my zone” and examine the seat. This seat was different though. The seat had a fluid concave circular drop around the inside rim of the bowl. This is the first time I have experienced a bowl design like this. It felt odd, but efficient; it is very hard to describe to be honest. I guess the word I am looking for would be ergonomic perhaps? Either way it is time for me to get down with the brown clowns.
There is the Coat Hanger
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter

Remember how I told you about the coat hanger? Well seated on my throne, I notice something kind of cool. The coat hanger is directly center of the steel support beam which runs vertically from the ceiling to the floor. Upon further investigation I concluded that this coat hanger is one of the sturdiest I have seen to date.

There was a low busyness factor in this facility. I believe only one person came in while I heaved a grumpy for a solid ten minutes. This allowed me to immerse myself in my surroundings and take in the décor of the parking lot restroom. Now the décor is a mostly white industrial-yet-modern design with some accent tiles plastered around in a pleasing arrangement. As I am soaking up the design, I notice something really lavish about this latrine. There is wood trim which runs the length around the bathroom horizontally. Now I know this whole complex was built fairly recently, but man, for a parking lot bathroom these guys went the extra mile! Needless to say I am very pleased with the aesthetics of this powder room.

Now on to the TP. Unfortunately the TP that was present was a measly one-ply. Kind of disappointing considering how the rest of the bathrooms atmosphere feels. Either way as I wiped my butt, I could feel it start to sting. The fucking one ply was literally tearing me a new one! This is the burden one carries around with them when they are at the mercy of hemorrhoids. However I do not let the inferior quality paper spoil my trip.

The Accent Tiles and Wood Trim
Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter
Now as you can imagine the flush took my mighty offering down with one gulp. I gathered my items and I headed towards the hand washing station. As you can imagine all of the dispensers are automatic. Both water and soap dispenser is made by this company called Sloan. The water flow was steady and efficient, and the soap didn’t have that weird timed delay that most have. It took about one and one-half cycles of water to clean my hands. Now for the hand drying situation there were two options; paper towels, and an air dryer.  Now for those of you who have been paying attention, I usually do not use the air-dryers that are in most bathrooms. They never fully dry my hands and I am always left with some slightly damp hands. However everything changes when you see the Dyson Airblade DB. Now if any of you are unfamiliar with the Airblade DB, it is a dryer that you stick your hands down vertically while air blows on both sides of your hands, wicking it away as you lift your hands up and out of the sensor region. Although this is just as efficient as most air-dryers, I always have fun using these. I feel like I am in the future!

Upon my exit of the restroom I notice something rather odd hanging from the door. There are hours for this restroom. The hours posted on the door are as follows:

Monday – Saturday: 10:00AM – 9:00PM
Sunday:  11:00AM - 6:00PM

Now I can’t help but think that these hours are just a loose set of guidelines. Because after taking a note of the hours, I looked down at my watch to record the time and it was 6:50PM on a Sunday night. So there has to be something amiss here. I will attribute it to the fact that it is most likely securities job to ensure the bathroom is locked, and there is probably a bare-bone skeleton crew scheduled on Sunday’s.
     So now that you have come along with me on my little excursion to Somerville, let us begin The Secret Shitter Review. Now for all of you new readers (and for those of you who may need a refresher) these are rated out of a possible 5 stars.

Number of Stalls: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Stall Comfort: 4
Busyness: 1.5
Décor: 4.5
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 2

Overall: 4.5

Congratulations Assembly Row Parking Garage for receiving a very commendable 4.5 out of 5 stars from The Secret Shitter! I believe this is the highest rating I have bestowed upon any place as of the time of this writing. Everything about this shitter was a home run outside of a few things. I have a feeling that this was probably one of the last places Assembly Row wanted to house their bathroom, but it might have been a victim of a design flaw. Or maybe they are conning me, maybe this bathroom is so awesome that you have to seek it out and be amazed for yourself. Either way, this bathroom only got a minus .5 stars because of the accessibility factor, and the horrendous TP they used. If they changed the TP situation here I might have to amend my rating and give this a perfect 5 stars. However with all things considered, the bathroom at the Assembly Row Parking Garage should be a destination for any avid public pooper. You will thank me when you find this diamond in the rough. For now everyone, remember to grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to poop.

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