Monday, September 7, 2015

Target In Revere

                I was walking and finishing up my errands that I had to do when I turned over to my right to see the giant sign beckon my name. Even though it said, Bathrooms, I still felt as though God came down and touched my tummy and made me have to shit. Thankfully our next location fit the bill; the Target in Revere.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                Now I had been over by the Big Lots by mistake looking for something. I was in Target looking to get some cheap vitamins in case you were wondering. I am having oral surgery in a couple of days (at the time of this writing) and my oral surgeon told me that taking vitamins before surgery will help rapidly speed up the healing process. But enough of my problems, let’s get onto the shit.

                The bathrooms in Target are very accessible to the public. When you first walk into the store there is a small hallway on your right by the customer service center. That is where the sign leads you to where the bathrooms are. Now there are three bathrooms here, one for the men, one for the ladies, and one for the families. I have never been inside of a family restroom before, but I couldn’t bring myself to being able to occupy it. I kept thinking that a family with a screaming kid would be outside of the door, and cut my poop short. So I respected all of the potential screaming kids, and their parents and headed inside of the men’s room.

                There are three stalls as you walk in. Two are the normal kind, and the other is a handicap one. Unfortunately for us, the handicap one was being use by someone. So I opted to use a regular shitter this time. The stalls are noticeably smaller than the handicap ones, and personally I do not like it in any way, shape, or form. I am thankful that the stall had a coat hanger on it to hold my bag. If it didn’t than lying the bag at my feet would have made this experience all too cramped for me, and I wouldn’t have gone through with my shit.

                So let’s back up a bit and talk about the décor of the commode. It was very bright white. The floors were white tiled, and so were the walls. Along the top of the walls were red square tiles that ran across the border of the bathroom horizontally adding a little bit of contrast. Another item adding to the contrast was the shiny silver stall dividers. Now normally I just think it is cheap to have these dividers the way they are. They have to come from the factory that way. But in a way it added to the overall experience, and it was actually kind of nice.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                Now I will say that for some reason on this day I was having terrible shits. Like the kind that accompany loud and boisterous farts. Well even though nobody else walked into the bathroom during my approximate seven minuet shit, there was still the gent using the handicap stall for a good four and a half minutes as I was pooping. So even though we were trading farts like two warring ships at sea, the place remained desolate.

                After the other rather gassy gentlemen left the room after going blow for blow with me, I was able to take a look around and sort of get my bearings. I usually go out on these excursions after work, which is at nighttime. So usually I am alone, but I can picture if a place is going to be busy or not. Actually as of late I have been making my rounds in the mid afternoon. Anyways, none of that is important, but what is important is what comes after the shit.

                You guessed it, it is time for me to play fire with the devil himself and clean up my butthole. Now the toilet paper dispenser was actually empty when I visited this particular bathroom. But sitting on top of the dispenser was a roll of Scott brand toilet paper. The only reason why I knew it was Scott Brand was because there was a wrapper on the adjacent stalls floor. This toilet paper was soft and supple as it careened around the bumpy surfaces of my sphincter. It felt quite nice considering this was a Target and all. I was not expecting this level of toilet paper from this retailer.

                Now after the auto flusher disposed of my buried treasure I was able to step out of the stall a new man. After washing my hands in the manual sink, with a manual soap dispenser I was able to take a look around and inspect how clean this bathroom truly was. Surprisingly as I dried my hand at the only option, air dryer, I really didn’t seem to find any blemishes with this bathroom. It was bright, and it was clean. The walls were clean from and bathroom poetry, and outside of the Scott label sitting on the middle floor, there was no other dirt or grime that I could really see. So if you are a part of the team that works at Target in Revere, than I would like to commend you on your bathroom’s cleanliness.
Photo: Secret Shitter

                OK so now that we know all about my experience blow-for-blow, in this bathroom, why don’t we make some time for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now for all of you new readers out there, this rating system is out of a possible five (5) stars. Ok do you have it? Cool, let’s begin.

Number of Stalls: 3
Toilet Paper Quality: 4.5
Stall Comfort: 3
Busyness: 2
Décor: 2
Cleanliness: 4
Accessibility: 4

Overall Rating: 4

Photo: Secret Shitter
I am giving this bathroom at Target in Revere the distinct honor of the second highest tear in our rating system. Now I should probably dock them some points and kick them down to the three level because of the vacant toilet paper dispenser, but this time I won’t. the reason is because they replaced it with a high level, top quality name brand toilet paper in its’ place. Scott is what I usually buy, so the fact that this target put in all the comforts of home, while I was away from my home, totally earned them the extra point. I know it is like I can be bought, but hopefully in my poop crusade, people start noticing this, and start putting in top notch toilet paper in their establishments. Anyways we are getting off topic here. So yeah the toilet paper was good, but that isn’t the sole factor for such a high score. The accessibility is another factor in this. I mean how can you beat the location. It is literally right as you walk in. Now I could see this being a little bit of a headache if you are out in some of the back isles shopping, but ultimately I really don’t think it would be that big of an issue to be honest. Plus you have to remember how far some people are coming from. Maybe they got stuck in traffic, and they really have to pee or shit? Well it is literally right there as you walk in. You don’t have to trek through the store behind little old ladies window shopping, just come right on in and go to town. To me, that is another factor in giving this such a high score. Another positive attribute about this bathroom is that it is very fucking clean. Like nothing on the ground. There is no piss all over the floors like you get in some places. Just good old fashioned American Pride. I mean really the only knock that I can even find in this place is the décor of the restroom. If they completely redesigned it, and put a little more effort into the thought process, than this would be a slam dunk hidden treasure along the North Shore. It would also be the first five star facility this side of the tunnel. But unfortunately it isn’t. Now that doesn’t mean that the bathroom décor doesn’t work. But compared to other places there is no wild-factor that makes me want to give it five stars. Plus even though I went on and on about how the bathroom was relatively quiet, I can imagine this bathroom getting quite hectic at times. Not just with grown men, but with little kids, and babies and shit. So that is also why I am a tad gun-shy about pulling the trigger on this place and sending it to the top of the pantheon. However either way you will be in for quite an enjoyable shit. So with that said, The Target in Revere is more than adequate to service your pooping needs. Until next time people, happy shitting.

Also tomorrow September 8th is my 30th birthday! Just thought you would like to know. 

Ah yes that lovely time in the post where I say follow me!

Twitter: @Secret_Shitter

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