Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Landmark Center

   The Landmark Center is located right down the street from good old Fenway Park, which brings us to our next installment of The Secret Shitter. The Landmark Center is a mixed use office and residential building with architecture from 1929. You have numerous stores such as; Staples, REI, and a Bed Bath & Beyond located within the space; as well as parking, and a few condos on the top floor.
     Locating the bathroom here is kind of tricky, but once you know where to go, you will thank me a thousand fold. You exit the side of REI to where the main lobby of the building is, and you head up the flight of stairs. Upon reaching the top, you will see directly ahead of you a table with a security guard or two sitting down. Yes, you heard me right; your next shitter is guarded by security! Do not fret or get nervous. Usually there is some kind of conferences going on in the building. Where the latrine is located is directly to your left of the security table towards the parking garage. This is why you do not need to fret about going to this secret poop spot. Just act as though you are going to your car, and you my friend are good to go.

An Outside View of the Landmark Center

     Once you head in through the doors, you will find the bathrooms down a small hall on your left. Once you locate the men’s room, you will be in shock…
You have two stalls; one is a handicap stall, and the other is a regular run-of-the-mill stall. Now if anyone knows the Secret Shitter, they will know that I always exclusively go for the handicap stall. This stall is large and impressive, with a coat hanger to boot! Coat hangers are essential for shitting in these parts. This is partly due to the fact that we wear some kind of jacket for three seasons here in Boston. This coat hanger is sturdy as a fucking rock too. It could take a heavy jacket, and a bag fit for a professional without you worrying about the door coming off of the hinges.
    The seat is not too high, nor too low. Now as you get down and brown you will notice something strange. You will be met by mostly silence in the restroom. So those of you who are afraid to poop in public you can totally go with a clear conscience and clear your bowels. With access to the bathroom in an office building, people are not looking to go right into this shared bathroom they will most likely go up in their office.
     Another advantage of going to the bathroom in this majestic building is the fact that it is probably the most clean public facility I have had the satisfaction of heaving a grumpy in. This also means the toilet paper supply is closely monitored. Meaning that in the heat of the moment, you won’t be left with having to improvise some TP.  

A look inside the bathroom

     Speaking of TP, what most of you may not know about the Secret Shitter is that I suffer from hemorrhoids. This makes pooping in public quite an ordeal considering I do not want to aggravate the Anus God’s. Now this bathroom is already different, and its choice of TP is no less than a 9/10. Dare I say it might actually garner a perfect score in the TP rating?

     Another thing I love about the bathroom outside of the norm is both the décor and the fact it allows you to utilize two different methods to dry your hands. Yes, you read that right you can go paperless and get the whole hand dry in just about one cycle under the air dryer. You also have the option to go with the tried and true method of using paper towels.

So now that you got the rundown of the spot, it is time for our Secret Shitter rating

·        Out of a possible 5:

·        Number of Stalls: 1
·        Toilet Paper Quality: 4.5
·        Stall Comfort: 4
·        Busyness: 1
·        Décor: 3
·        Cleanliness: 5
·        Accessibility: 1
·        Overall: 4.5 out of 5

     While this is not your average run of the mill toilet, this is definitely a contender in my Top Toilet Awards. This bathroom is safe, clean, and comfortable to poop in. It also has security outside of the hall that leads to it. You know that means great things for your poop. You will not have to contend with homeless people bathing in the bathroom, or with having to deal with junkies shooting up. You will most likely run into some doctor, or working professional who is en-route to their car, office, or conference. So my friends this is the crème de la crème of secret bathrooms here in Boston. Just a hop, skip, and a jump away locating in the heart of the Fenway neighborhood with convenient access to the MBTA, this makes The Landmark Center an Ideal place to throw down on some brown. Remember folks, grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to poop!

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