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| A View of the Enterance Photo Credit: The Secret Shitter |
Ladies
and gentlemen, I have seen the top of the mountain, and all that dwells below.
I have walked through hell, and I have ascended into a higher realm of reality.
I did so entering the Custom House Marriott Hotel late last
night. Now before I left for work, I did something I shouldn’t have, I went and
pooped. I guess I dropped my load off too soon, and I feared that I would not
be able to accomplish any kind of review on this night. However a Grande Iced
Americano from the local Starbucks revved
my sphincters’ engine loud and proud for round two of the evening.
Now I always walk by the Custom House Marriott Hotel without ever realizing it. It is the
iconic clock tower which adorns Boston’s
skyline. Now as I was just having second thoughts about going number two, I
decided to take the plunge and just go for it.
I walked
into the elegant circular lobby and my eyes were met with a dazzling array of
sights. Circular leather chairs arranged so they were pointing in each
direction of the different wings of the hotel. There were two desks aligned in
a quarter circle surrounding one half of the lobby. In all of my wonder and
amazement I realized I was alone, or so I thought. A voice came out from around
me, and it said “can I help you”? Why yes you can kind sir. I told the front
desk agent that I wished to use the facilities, and he handed me an electronic
key card. He then told me the restrooms were straight ahead on my right, I
couldn’t miss it. So I took the twenty-something’s advice and headed for my
next destination.
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| A View of the Throne, Photo; The Secret Shitter |
After
tapping the key card on the sensor I opened the door to my astounded eyes and
saw my lone throne sitting at the end of a deep set bathroom. I was dazzled by
brilliance and baffled by my own bullshit; I could not believe they were
letting a lone pooper such as myself in to use this grand bathroom. I shut the
door and turned around to find a very posh-yet-functional coat hanger on the
door. I hung my bag up knowing it was my journalistic duty to get down to some
business.
The far
end of the bathroom, where the toilet lies, was a tad dark. I thought to myself
that was a tad peculiar. So as I looked down to my right I noticed a
sensor-type light switch which had a button and an LED screen. I pushed the
button and low and behold the throne lit up. What I found was cool about this
was the LED screen had a countdown timer that started from twenty minutes. So I
decided that now I was under the gun and it was time to release some brown arsenal of my own.
The
toilet was just at the perfect height above the ground. In this position I was
able to gather the thoughts that were bouncing through my head. This is totally
how the other half of society lives, and now that I have had a taste of it, I
want more!
The
floor was made of marble, or really convincing faux marble and the walls were
adorned with gold tiles with some slim black accent to it. The black accent
gave the tiles an upscale feeling which permeated around the room like the gas
from which I released from my bowels. The mirror had a very nice antique-like
cut to it, bordered with a deep colored wood trim. The sink counter matched the
tiled floor perfectly. As I sat there and soaked up the atmosphere I noticed
the large framed flowered artwork which hung on the right hand wall.
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| Tis a long way away to my bag, Photo; The Secret Shitter |
After
soaking in the elegant décor, I realized that the true test was about to begin.
I looked down to notice two rolls of very posh toilet paper hung on their
spindles besides me. One was hung in the “over” fashion, and the other in the “Under”
fashion. As I gently test the toilet paper by placing the tissue in between my
index finger and thumb and proceed to press, I know I am in for a heavenly
wiping experience. It was plush and felt as though it was made of the
top-of-the-line material. They clearly had some money and they wanted to flaunt
it. My initial suspicions were confirmed as I wiped my sweaty stained anus.
With a bounce in my step I pulled up my drawers and I headed for the hand
washing area of the restroom.
En route
to the hand washing area, I noticed that the automatic flusher did not take
down my less than usual load. While it took down the important stuff, it left
behind some paper on the halfway point of the bowl. I placed my hand under the automatic
faucet to wet my hands. I then waved my hands over the Sloan soap dispenser and was not surprised by the odd timing delay
of the soap. While the whole process took about one-and-one-quarter cycles I
turned my attention to the hand drying station. I was not surprised that there
was only one option; paper towels. These towels were also of the same caliber
that the toilet paper was.
After
returning the key card to the front desk, I gave my thanks and I headed towards
a bench to write down my notes. I have truly and thoroughly enjoy the shit
which I just took.
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| A Clean Floor is a Happy Floor Photo: Secret Shitter |
So now
that you have read all about my experience, I guess it is time that we rate
this bathroom, Secret Shitter style! Now remember my loyal readers that this
rating system is out of a possible five (5) stars.
Number of Stalls: 1
Toilet Paper Quality: 5
Stall Comfort: 5
Busyness: 0
Décor: 5
Cleanliness: 5
Accessibility: 2
Overall Rating: 5
You
have just witnessed history here on The Secret Shitter folks; a near
perfect 5 star rating, a first here
on The
Secret Shitter! Now the only reason why this is not a perfect score is
due to the accessibility criteria. You must first go in through the gatekeeper
at the front desk who shall decide your pooping fate. I imagine that depending
on how you look, you may or may not be able to access this oasis of a shitter.
But with all of that considered, this toilet is truly a home run in every
facet. This property takes pride in their pooper and it shows! There was
nothing out of place in this bathroom, and everything was in complete working
order. I was also a fan of the countdown timer. The toilet paper was supple and
soft as it caressed my butthole. So now that you know how awesome of a shitter
there is right outside of the Quincy
Market area, I would highly suggest that if the butt-gremlins come a-callin’ that you give them an upscale
burial at The Custom House Marriott Hotel.
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