The Boston Public Library (Main Branch)

exterior shot of the BPL and the entrance you need to use
photo credit; The Secret Shitter

The hallowed halls of The Boston Public Library (BPL) boasts one of Boston’s largest collection of books, and its’ crapper is now next on our victim list. The branch of the BPL that I will be reviewing today is the main branch located right outside of the Copley MBTA Station. The BPL is located on 700 Boylston Street. It is home to many programs for people of all ages, a café, and a map museum. Now that you know the skinny, let’s go find us a place to dump down some Minnesota Fats.

     OK so the way to this particular pooper is through the side entrance where the St. James Church is; that is the church next to the John Hancock Building. The shitter itself is a tad confusing to find. So if you are in a rush, I urge you to quell your frenzy, stop, and take some deep breaths. This bathroom isn’t that hard to find, but if you are rushing around you could miss one of the small print signs that point the way. Use these signs like a sea captain uses the North Star, keep them directly ahead of you and you will find your destination.

When you enter the bathroom, you will notice something odd, it only has one stall. So I suggest you save the sightseeing for after, and head right in. Upon entering the lone latrine, you will notice how spacious, bright, and clean the facility is. There is a latch which I used to shut the door; it was an odd one too. Instead of a left-to-right, or a button-type latch, there was a full metal bar you bring over the door in a counter-clockwise motion. It is very old and outdated design indeed. I was carrying my dslr bag with me (to attempt to grab some tremendous exterior shots for this site, your welcome by the way), and when I went to go and hang it from the door something seemed amiss. The coat hanger had been broken off of the door! Luckily this stall was so large that it had a larger-than-normal frosted glass picture window complete with a ledge, which I just placed my bag on. I tend to hang things up because I am always unsure as to the identification of liquid which is on some floors of public toilets. Remember it is better to be safe than sorry.

the view from the throne
photo credit: The Secret Shitter

Now the toilet itself was clearly an old toilet the ones you are used to seeing in your old public schools. I am pretty sure that any government building still uses the same uniform toilets, but I will publish my findings when I gather all of the appropriate data. Either way the toilet is very low to the floor. As I was air dropping some toadstools down to the majestic lake below, I could now sit and soak up the sights and sounds bouncing around me.

First of all I would like to commend the BPL for using a very unique stall divider. It looks like a red granite countertop, and it makes for a very nice contrast to the staunch décor of yesteryear. I truly enjoyed the single grey and red tile pattern that encircled the restroom along with the red faux granite stall divider, which made this bathroom one of the most eye pleasing to date.

Now throughout my sightseeing journey I could not help but notice how horribly busy this bathroom was. Children complaining to their parents, and flush after flush of endless tourists rushing in unison to use the lavatory. If you are one of those timid poopers, I might suggest finding a more secluded bathroom someplace else. Who knows, there might even be additional bathrooms located in this massive facility. If there is, you bet your buns The Secret Shitter will be going back for a rehash.

Now that I was done chopping the brown log down to size, my sightseeing journey is nearing an end, I turn my attention to the toilet paper conundrum. I always call it a conundrum because you are never truly sure if you will have an ample supply or the caliber of product. The initial TP test yielded my worst fears; this is government issued toilet paper. Cheap and one ply to boot this is your government at work. There is nothing lavish about the quality of paper in this facility. It gave yours truly instant aggravation to the anal region. Something I do not look forward to, but hey I do have a service to my readers, and I will make certain I give you all of the details; whether you enjoy it, or not.

a view to where the restrooms are
photo credit; The Secret Shitter

After the task of brushing my bum with Uncle Sam’s Sandpaper, I headed out of my stall and to my chagrin there was a line of people headed out of the door. The only saving grace is that most of these people are probably not from the area, so I have a low probability that they will recount the tale of my butt trumpet blasting notes. As I sauntered over to the handwashing area I started the methodical process of washing my hands. Much to my surprise the automatic faucet was on high blast. I have never felt the force of water come down on my hand from such machinery. This quality of this faucet is most likely due to the downgrade in tp (or I would like to think). The hand drying station left me substantially disappointed with its longstanding cheap air dryer. You probably know which ones I am talking about. They are the old school style air dryers that have the option to dry your hair and face. Why anyone would need to do that is beyond me, but I digress.

Now that we have done the dirty deed, it is time for The Secret Shitter’s five star review, now remember everything is out of a possible five stars. Lets’ begin:

Number of Stalls: 1 (literally and figuratively)

Toilet Paper Quality: 1

Stall Comfort: 4

Busyness: 5

Décor: 3.5

Cleanliness: 4

Accessibility: 2.5

Overall Rating: 2.5

The overall rating of The Boston Public Library is a below-average 2.5 stars. I was tempted to go a tad higher but my fingers and my anus memory will not let me do such a thing. If you can actually read the little signs directing you to the bathroom, than congratulations, you are a winner! However if you are in dire straits, and grandpa just got out of the local senior meeting, you are shit out of luck. With the bathroom that has this much turnover I am surprised that there is only one stall in this room. It is most likely due to the fact that the building is old, and our government is inefficient. You couple that with the government-issue one ply tissue, and you have a bad recipe a-brewing. Even though there clearly was some thought put into the aesthetics of the anal arena, if that is the only upside to your bathroom than you will lose points in my rating every damn time! So in conclusion, if you are a tourist looking to go and treat some turds to a night out, than this is probably your best bet. It is very clean, and it is in a government building, so you know that it is maintained at least somewhat regularly. Actually I am pretty sure it is cleaned often due to the high homeless population that surrounds the building itself. I am sure that they more than likely use this place as their home base. So folks please remember, grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to poop!

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