North Station

Entrance to North Station
Photo: Secret Shitter

     Oh man, how do I even begin to describe my ordeal in this post? Sometimes when you’re out in public, you can’t shake off the urge to splurge. This was the case as I went to

 North Station, conveniently located inside of the TD Banknorth Garden. I actually think it is called the Boston TD Garden or something like that. Any ways, back to my problem, I went to the Garden in hopes of purchasing tickets to the upcoming WWE Raw event in Boston. After I made the sweaty trek from Aquarium Station, the coffee I had drank started to rustle up the bugs in the belly below. After facing disappointment in the closing of the ticket counters, I turn around, and find our next poo-spot.

       

                Ah yes, North Station, home to the MBTA Green & Orange Lines, and the MBTA Commuter Rail. This is a pretty centrally located spot, and outside of going to events in the Garden, I rarely ever travel there. So when I was caught in the perfect storm, I decided to throw caution to the wind and step in for some good old fashioned pooping.

Rusty Latch
Photo: Secret Shitter

                Upon entering the bathroom, which is unmarked for some reason, you are overcome with a sense of dread. Maybe it is because Nashua Street Prison (located right around the corner) probably boasts a better looking facility. I don’t know, it is something about the grey floors and white concrete walls that made it seem worse than it actually was. Maybe I might be going crazy in my short time writing this blog, trying to interpret the design meanings of shitters across the city. However there is no other way to describe this bathroom other than bleak.

                So I figured that the regular stalls would be decimated by the masses, so I decided to go to my old standby, the handicap stall. Actually it was the only one open in this three stall garage. When I walked in I immediately went to lock the door only to see this old-ass rusty door latch, the latch itself seemed too petite for the weight of the door. But the rust covering the latch told me that it had probably been there for years and stood up to some horrible abuse.

   Man for the first time in my professional poop history, I wish I didn’t take the stall. Man was this thing friggen dirty! There was wet TP balled up on the floor. There was also some kind of liquid which seemed to have run rapid all over the stall, including the toilet seat itself! Now I am not a man that gets easily flustered people. I have seen some shit in my day, and I do want to be honest, I love you guys, but not that much. If it weren’t for the

 battle sounds of my stomach I would have marched right the fuck out of there. However, I was also not about to clean up someone else’s piss from the seat. But this ladies and gentlemen, is what separates the boys from the men.

A lot dirtier than it looks
Photo: Secret Shitter

     

                I pulled my pants down to around my ankles, and I bent myself over that toilet at a 45 degree angle and I let it rip. Yeah guys I had to hover-poop on this one. Compounding the issues surrounding my situation was only made worse by how awfully busy that bathroom is. There is constant noise, and constant hustle going on here. There is also a constant air-dryer sound as well, making it very hard to keep your brown eye on the prize.

                After shaking my head wondering what my life has come down to, I went for the Secret Shitter’s TP test. Surprisingly the TP was well above average! This might just be a theory of mine, but I think that places that have handicap stalls put the better TP in there. However I will say this is an above average two ply they have in here. I feel like I have gained a small victory inside of this fortress of doom.

                Next was the flushing. It took down everything in on gulp. Which means the TP that was left over was just from some asshole that didn’t flush behind him. Hey Bozo, flush the damn toilet! It isn’t that hard, hell you can even kick it. It wasn’t like there was some kind of monster dump lurking in there, just some piss, and some toilet paper ready to meet its’ doom.

                Back to the hand-washing; they had one of those push-button style faucets which dispensed your water. They also had an automatic soap dispenser as well. The water cycle was short, so prepare for like two or three pushes of that button. Then your only two options for drying your hands are the air dryer made to look like a hockey puck, or the air dryer made to look like a basketball. Both of which look horrid, tacky, and they are terribly inefficient.

                Well now that we both muscled through this post, let us begin the Secret Shitter Five Star Review. Now remember these are out of a possible five (5) stars.

You can't see the pee
Photo: Secret Shitter

Number of Stalls: 3

Toilet Paper Quality: 3

Stall Comfort: 1

Busyness: 5

Décor: 1

Cleanliness: 1

Accessibility: 2

Overall Rating: 1.5

                Well people the rating speaks for itself. This is just the second entry into the: “one category”. Everything sucks about this bathroom. You can’t find it for starters. When you do find it, you feel like you’re walking into a fucking prison bathroom. There is literally piss EVERYWHERE!  There is also a horrible and tacky looking air-dryer which are as ancient as the old Boston Garden. Toilet paper was nice though. A respectable average tp is always comforting to know. However you won’t be able to enjoy your poop with all of the crying kids, and junkies trying to take showers in there. This fucking place is awful, and I wouldn’t wish shitting here on my worst enemy. I know logically that you can’t catch STD’s from sitting on toilet seats, but I bet that scientists never went and tested one from this bathroom. Whoever cleans this bathroom must be playing some kind of cruel joke on the world. So there you have it folks, if you really need to shit and you don’t want to roll the dice and see if the commuter rail has one on board, than I guess North Station is your only option. But fear not readers, for I, The Secret Shitter vow to scope out a place more secluded, and better maintained for your pooping pleasure. It might not be in the next post, or the one after that, but I will find it… Until next time people, happy shitting!

 

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